6 Thoughts
1) Ahhhh, Toronto. It was good to see them. Life's a lot easier against the Torontos, New Jerseys, and Philadelphias of the world than the Bostons and Utahs. Dull, dull game, but good to win one. Miami got up big, let off the gas in the fourth quarter - again - before DWade regained control and Miami cruised in. Let's Go...Actually, let's not go, let's stay right here, and just play Toronto over and over...
2) Offensive Report: The offense still looks stagnant. But, yet, against Boston it scored over 100 points against the best defensive team in the league, and it dropped 109 tonight. Wade had 31 on 11-16 and James had 23 on 8-21. Of the 13 shots that James missed, about 10 were plays that you were characterize as "a brutal decision," bad, stagnant jump shots. Other times, he probed into the lane, got to 10 feet, and instead of elevating and finishing, opted to pitch out to shooters. He is still problematic with his decision making. Overall, Miami shot 50% from the floor, and 36 free throws, so it's tough to be too critical. Doesn't look fluid yet, though.
3) Defensive Report: Defensively it is a different story right now. The results are not there, and it is obvious why: the effort level was a little low. Both LeBron James, and to lesser degree, Dwyane Wade, have to lock on their man more, and make it more challenging for the opposition to move the ball. There is nothing wrong with Toronto as an offensive group - they can shoot it - so you have to make it more difficult for them to get it to the spots on the court where they want to shoot from. James, in particular, had the defensive intensity dialed up to about a 1.5.
4) One Thing We Learned About Tony Fiorentino Tonight: 6 feet 2 inches tall. I would have guessed 5'10". Good for him - that's solid height.
5) Best Moment of the Game: When Toronto's Italian big man Andrea Bargiani missed a tough jumper off the dribble and Tony said "He just forced a bad shot, even though he's Italian." Trust me - it was a really dull game...
6) Earlier this season we recounted a story in which we pointed out that Lenny Kravitz' second album, "Mama Said," is a classic, just an old-school-y emotion fest about challenging relationships, while his third album, "Are You Gonna Go My Way," is a hacky, gimmicky step back for Kravitz which mostly signaled the beginning of the end for him as a really important artist. Also, that someone associated with this blog hurled it across his lawn in a (justifiable) moment of rage against an ex-girlfriend...This led to an interweb conference thread between two Dos readers, M.Minutos and T.H.A. which resulted in one of them asking whether it was possible that Lenny Kravitz had knocked around his one-time wife, Lisa Bonet, at all, to which the other replied that if he had, it was probably because she was so annoying. First of all, I'd like to say that I would have commented on this sooner, but I was busy answering racist emails from R.Minutos. Second of all: how dare you two? Never, ever, ever say anything derogatory about sweet, sexy little Lisa Bonet again. Ever! Let me tell you something: for a young white ingenue growing up in Connecticut with no black people around except for the occasional basketball player bused in to the public high school, which I wasn't even allowed to go to because I had problems with my ability to focus, when Lisa Bonet first exploded on to The Cosby Show, and into my consciousness, wearing armpit-high parachute pants and brightly colored berets, proudly flaunting her obvious racially mixed heritage, and sassy Earth-girl persona, it was a sexual revolution in my mind, and in my trousers. I was, like, Oh, you mean there is something out there beyond prepped-out Jennifer Grey look-alikes who wear sweaters, slacks, and care about their careers? Really? I'm in in - Let's Go!!! And just look at me now, boy, just look at me now!...
Not even sure when the next game is - I think Wednesday against Phoenix. Let. Us. Go.
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Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Celtics 112 Heat 107
6 Thoughts
1) M.Minutos: "How can you even write about that game?" Dos Minutos: "Because that's how we do! Let's go!"
2) That didn't go well at all! It was just like the first matchup on opening night in Boston: watch the Celtics shoot about 90 percent from the floor, climb back in to it, then lose at the end. And Dwyane Wade was terrible tonight, just like opening night in Boston: 2-12 for 8 points. Maybe we did anger the basketball gods!
3) Full disclosure: there was something wrong with my cable feed, so large chunks of the game looked like they were being played in Matrix-style scramble-vision - which, frankly, I enjoyed. If I have to watch Joel Anthony give up one more layup while he is standing with his head under the rim, I'm going to throw my workboot through the new tv. I don't even own workboots - I'm from Connecticut - but I'll go buy some just to do it. Dick's Sporting Goods just opened near my house. Dick's!
4) I feel badly for Spo. The Heat are struggling right now - that's fairly obvious. The problems are numerous: they get bullied in the paint; their offense is not cohesive, and there is too much standing around; Chris Bosh joue comme une fille...Do I think they will figure it out? Yes, I think they will figure it out. But for the time being, everyone is going to pile on Spo because the team is struggling, because he is not white, and because he is not Pat Riley. Do I think Riley is going to come down and coach again? I think it would have to get a lot worse. And I don't honestly believe that he wants to...But isn't there some small part of him, some bit of ego, like we all have, that, even now, is imagining the day when Wade and James come to his office, and they are like, "Coach, we need you," and he's like, "Nah, guys, I'm done, I'm washed up," and they are like, "No - you are the only one who can fix this," and he is like, "When I killed that small forward in Sacramento, I promised myself I would get out, and stay out," and they are like, "Coach - you did it before; you can do it again - we believe in you - you are the best..." Looooong, soulful pause, a look down at the floor, then he stands up and looks them square in the eyes: "Okay, my n*ggaz, here's what we are going to do..."
5) Okay, fellas, depressing game tonight, so we are switching gears early, going to answer some mail here at #5. Why? I thought I told you in #1: this is how we do!
Our favorite reader, R.Minutos, emailed us a question yesterday. Here goes – just so you know in advance, this is word-for-word, this had nothing to do with me:
“What is up with the influx of Indian (not casino, but curry) FHP troopers? I just got a ticket yesterday on 95 going 83 in a 65 speed zone. This is my second ticket and both troopers were pudgy, looked 12, and smelled like pungent curry sauce. Did I mention I hate the `popo?’
First of all, this is the most racist question we have ever received here, so congratulations on that. Second of all, you’re driving too fast. Slow down and enjoy life as a white man in America. Third of all, your email was so inappropriate in so many ways, that I may be reconsidering my position on the po-lice...
6) That wasn't the end of R.Minutos' email. He also wanted to give some dating advice specifically for the Dos audience. He knows, like I do, that there are a lot of lonely fellas out there in our audience looking for love, and we want to try our best to keep them away from the hookers. At least the really nasty street ones - the ones from legitimate escort services are probably pretty okay. Here's R.Minutos' favorite pickup move:
New move for my single, and straying married, friends. Next time you are at dinner and see a hot girl, or in [a mutual associate's] case, a hot guy, write a tic tac toe board on a napkin, mark a spot on the board then write your move and have the waiter (give waiter/waitress a tip to deliver) deliver it to your soon-to-be naughty-naughty. Keep an eye on the waiter and then give a slight waive and pantomime to write back. Then go back to your dinner. If all goes well the napkin should bounce between tables a few times. Once done, take the napkin over to her table and say either 1) it looks like you won my little game and I owe you a drink, I am heading over to the bar, you should join me. Or 2) I was trying to let you win, you kinda owe me a drink, but I won't hold you to it. I am heading to the bar, you should join me. This move crushes, and has worked wonders, except for this one pissed off boyfriend in Philly. Good will hunting and LET'S GO!!!
2 Thoughts: 1) The one part I don't get is how dumb are we assuming the girl is? I mean, after you write the tic tac toe board, make the first move, and send the waiter over to her with it, why do you have to pantomime to her to write on the napkin? She is too dumb to figure that out? Personally, I like smart girls, because I really like to talk to them. 2) All that notwithstanding, I don't see any possible scenario in which this doesn't work perfectly. Well done, Ho-renzo Lamas!!!
See you on Saturday night for Toronto - Chris Bosh's old team. Allez!!!
-----
1) M.Minutos: "How can you even write about that game?" Dos Minutos: "Because that's how we do! Let's go!"
2) That didn't go well at all! It was just like the first matchup on opening night in Boston: watch the Celtics shoot about 90 percent from the floor, climb back in to it, then lose at the end. And Dwyane Wade was terrible tonight, just like opening night in Boston: 2-12 for 8 points. Maybe we did anger the basketball gods!
3) Full disclosure: there was something wrong with my cable feed, so large chunks of the game looked like they were being played in Matrix-style scramble-vision - which, frankly, I enjoyed. If I have to watch Joel Anthony give up one more layup while he is standing with his head under the rim, I'm going to throw my workboot through the new tv. I don't even own workboots - I'm from Connecticut - but I'll go buy some just to do it. Dick's Sporting Goods just opened near my house. Dick's!
4) I feel badly for Spo. The Heat are struggling right now - that's fairly obvious. The problems are numerous: they get bullied in the paint; their offense is not cohesive, and there is too much standing around; Chris Bosh joue comme une fille...Do I think they will figure it out? Yes, I think they will figure it out. But for the time being, everyone is going to pile on Spo because the team is struggling, because he is not white, and because he is not Pat Riley. Do I think Riley is going to come down and coach again? I think it would have to get a lot worse. And I don't honestly believe that he wants to...But isn't there some small part of him, some bit of ego, like we all have, that, even now, is imagining the day when Wade and James come to his office, and they are like, "Coach, we need you," and he's like, "Nah, guys, I'm done, I'm washed up," and they are like, "No - you are the only one who can fix this," and he is like, "When I killed that small forward in Sacramento, I promised myself I would get out, and stay out," and they are like, "Coach - you did it before; you can do it again - we believe in you - you are the best..." Looooong, soulful pause, a look down at the floor, then he stands up and looks them square in the eyes: "Okay, my n*ggaz, here's what we are going to do..."
5) Okay, fellas, depressing game tonight, so we are switching gears early, going to answer some mail here at #5. Why? I thought I told you in #1: this is how we do!
Our favorite reader, R.Minutos, emailed us a question yesterday. Here goes – just so you know in advance, this is word-for-word, this had nothing to do with me:
“What is up with the influx of Indian (not casino, but curry) FHP troopers? I just got a ticket yesterday on 95 going 83 in a 65 speed zone. This is my second ticket and both troopers were pudgy, looked 12, and smelled like pungent curry sauce. Did I mention I hate the `popo?’
First of all, this is the most racist question we have ever received here, so congratulations on that. Second of all, you’re driving too fast. Slow down and enjoy life as a white man in America. Third of all, your email was so inappropriate in so many ways, that I may be reconsidering my position on the po-lice...
6) That wasn't the end of R.Minutos' email. He also wanted to give some dating advice specifically for the Dos audience. He knows, like I do, that there are a lot of lonely fellas out there in our audience looking for love, and we want to try our best to keep them away from the hookers. At least the really nasty street ones - the ones from legitimate escort services are probably pretty okay. Here's R.Minutos' favorite pickup move:
New move for my single, and straying married, friends. Next time you are at dinner and see a hot girl, or in [a mutual associate's] case, a hot guy, write a tic tac toe board on a napkin, mark a spot on the board then write your move and have the waiter (give waiter/waitress a tip to deliver) deliver it to your soon-to-be naughty-naughty. Keep an eye on the waiter and then give a slight waive and pantomime to write back. Then go back to your dinner. If all goes well the napkin should bounce between tables a few times. Once done, take the napkin over to her table and say either 1) it looks like you won my little game and I owe you a drink, I am heading over to the bar, you should join me. Or 2) I was trying to let you win, you kinda owe me a drink, but I won't hold you to it. I am heading to the bar, you should join me. This move crushes, and has worked wonders, except for this one pissed off boyfriend in Philly. Good will hunting and LET'S GO!!!
2 Thoughts: 1) The one part I don't get is how dumb are we assuming the girl is? I mean, after you write the tic tac toe board, make the first move, and send the waiter over to her with it, why do you have to pantomime to her to write on the napkin? She is too dumb to figure that out? Personally, I like smart girls, because I really like to talk to them. 2) All that notwithstanding, I don't see any possible scenario in which this doesn't work perfectly. Well done, Ho-renzo Lamas!!!
See you on Saturday night for Toronto - Chris Bosh's old team. Allez!!!
-----
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Jazz 116 Heat 114 ot
6 Thoughts
1) "Guys, we're up nineteen at half, LeBron James has dominated play without even making shots, we're at home, and we're looking good. Very good. I don't see any possible way we can lose this game, unless Jazz power forward Paul Millsap, who has 2 career three pointers, suddenly drops 3 trips in a row in the last minute of regulation, sandwiched around a Deron Williams triple, Dwyane Wade and Carlos Arroyo miss several free throws in the waning moments, Millsap then follow-tips an airball at the buzzer to send it to overtime, then Andrei Kirilenko weather-balloons two threes in, and then on the crucial exchange of the game Dwyane Wade goes middle, gets bodychecked off a shot by Ronnie Price to no call, and Utah goes down to the other end and gets a highly questionable foul call against that same Dwyane Wade - who just didn't get an obvious call - with .4 secs left, make 2 free throws - including 1 they tried to miss on purpose - and win the game. I think we got'em. I mean, there's no way we're losing this game! Ready...Let's go!"
2) "Oh-no."
3) I've seen a lot of guys play a lot of games...but nothing like this...Paul Millsap - forget the 3 triples in the final minute of play, more than doubling his career output to this point. No - don't even forget them. The last one was backing up, from 26 feet, with Udonis Haslem hanging all over him. I mean, he made everything, all night long, finished with 46 points on 19-28!!! Holy Boozer!!! I have to say, as much as I hate losing, I kind of enjoyed Paul Millsap tonight.
4) It's a bad loss, no doubt. Over the course of 82 games, you are going to lose some bad ones. Fine. But down the stretch and in overtime, where was LeBron James? He was tremendous in the first half, probing the defense and creating wide open shots for others. Even though his own looks weren't falling, he ended the first half with 6 points, 7 assists, and 6 boards, not to mention playing tremendous defense. Finished with his first Heat triple double (20, 14 assists, 11 boards) - but he was a ghost down the stretch. They essentially went Dwayne iso, or Dwyane screen-and-roll late, partially because James didn't aggressively attack the middle. Dwyane was pretty brilliant, as usual - finished with 39. But James has to figure out something - something - to do at the end of a close game. Grab a rebound? Cut to the rim? Get a stop? Anything? I forgot he was out there, frankly...Should I stop writing my opinions? They're my opinions...
5) Election update: I don't know who won because I didn't watch the postgame show - had to go feed the baby - but tonight's poll question was which new teammates were going to have the biggest impact on their team this year (non-Heat division). Choices? Boozer and Korver in Chicago? No - too underathletic. Stoudamire and Felton in New York? No - too `B list.' Blake and Barnes in Los Angeles? No - too `C list.' The O'Neal Brothers - Shaq and Jermaino - in Boston? Of course!!! But I didn't text in my vote, you know why? Because that shit is rigged - still haven't received an explanation as to why my 88 votes for Jermaino in last week's poll weren't counted. You think I'm joking - I'm not. By the way, is Jermaino going to be in every poll this year? I mean, I'm not complaining - just checking.
6) Movie Review - "White Nights": Admittedly this review is somewhat belated since the movie came out sometime in the 1980s [editor’s note – 1985]. Also, full disclosure – I have not seen this movie. I did, however, recently watch Lionel Richie’s video for the song “Say You, Say Me,” which is the theme song for the movie – really, it’s more of a film – and the video is almost exclusively clips from the film, and you can pretty much piece together everything from that. So you have Mikhail Bayishnikov starring as a Russian ballet dancer who wants to emigrate to America, probably, and the KGB doesn’t want him to – remember, it’s 1985, during the Cold War, when Russians were still cool. And then Gregory Hines is the retired black dancer who lives in a dingy apartment in New York City , and he doesn’t dance anymore for some reason, either he blew a big audition, or his fiancé died in a dancing accident, or something like that. And Lionel Richie is in there somewhere as well, wearing a suede Members Only jacket. The Wikipedia page also says Helen Mirren is in it, though I didn't notice her in the video. You know why? 'Cuz I only notice hot girls. So Baryshnikov hides out in Hines’ apartment, and he tries to convince Hines to come back to dancing, which Hines is totally reluctant to do, but Baryshnikov is slowly winning him over through persistence. But you know the KGB are eventually going to find him, which they do, and then they kick the crap out of the both of them, because they are nancy-boy dancers who don’t know anything about fighting. But then right when they are going to take Baryshnikov away, back to Russia, probably putting him a gulag, Hines is like, “Wait, okay, I’ll do it – I’ll dance,” and he and Baryshnikov perform a wondrous dance that convinces the KGB to let Baryshnikov go. A couple of things: first, Mikhail Baryshnikov in this movie looks exactly Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day, sans the bad ink and wacky-colored hair (“Look – my hair’s red – I’m a punk!”). Second, say what you want to about Baryshnikov’s elegant brilliance, but I saw Gregory Hines on Broadway in 1992 starring in Jelly’s Last Jam, and believe me, dance-wise, he is holding back in the film so he doesn’t make Baryshnikov look bad. Baryshnikov may – may – be better at ballet than Hines, but there is no way he can hang with Hines in whatever it is you call the kind of dancing that Hines does. I call it "hot-footing!" Not sure that’s the technical term, though. Anyways, obviously, I give this movie 10 out of 10. Men in tights!!!
Back for Thursday night at home against Boston. I'd say it's a big game - already lost to them once, just took a bad beat at home...Let's GO!
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1) "Guys, we're up nineteen at half, LeBron James has dominated play without even making shots, we're at home, and we're looking good. Very good. I don't see any possible way we can lose this game, unless Jazz power forward Paul Millsap, who has 2 career three pointers, suddenly drops 3 trips in a row in the last minute of regulation, sandwiched around a Deron Williams triple, Dwyane Wade and Carlos Arroyo miss several free throws in the waning moments, Millsap then follow-tips an airball at the buzzer to send it to overtime, then Andrei Kirilenko weather-balloons two threes in, and then on the crucial exchange of the game Dwyane Wade goes middle, gets bodychecked off a shot by Ronnie Price to no call, and Utah goes down to the other end and gets a highly questionable foul call against that same Dwyane Wade - who just didn't get an obvious call - with .4 secs left, make 2 free throws - including 1 they tried to miss on purpose - and win the game. I think we got'em. I mean, there's no way we're losing this game! Ready...Let's go!"
2) "Oh-no."
3) I've seen a lot of guys play a lot of games...but nothing like this...Paul Millsap - forget the 3 triples in the final minute of play, more than doubling his career output to this point. No - don't even forget them. The last one was backing up, from 26 feet, with Udonis Haslem hanging all over him. I mean, he made everything, all night long, finished with 46 points on 19-28!!! Holy Boozer!!! I have to say, as much as I hate losing, I kind of enjoyed Paul Millsap tonight.
4) It's a bad loss, no doubt. Over the course of 82 games, you are going to lose some bad ones. Fine. But down the stretch and in overtime, where was LeBron James? He was tremendous in the first half, probing the defense and creating wide open shots for others. Even though his own looks weren't falling, he ended the first half with 6 points, 7 assists, and 6 boards, not to mention playing tremendous defense. Finished with his first Heat triple double (20, 14 assists, 11 boards) - but he was a ghost down the stretch. They essentially went Dwayne iso, or Dwyane screen-and-roll late, partially because James didn't aggressively attack the middle. Dwyane was pretty brilliant, as usual - finished with 39. But James has to figure out something - something - to do at the end of a close game. Grab a rebound? Cut to the rim? Get a stop? Anything? I forgot he was out there, frankly...Should I stop writing my opinions? They're my opinions...
5) Election update: I don't know who won because I didn't watch the postgame show - had to go feed the baby - but tonight's poll question was which new teammates were going to have the biggest impact on their team this year (non-Heat division). Choices? Boozer and Korver in Chicago? No - too underathletic. Stoudamire and Felton in New York? No - too `B list.' Blake and Barnes in Los Angeles? No - too `C list.' The O'Neal Brothers - Shaq and Jermaino - in Boston? Of course!!! But I didn't text in my vote, you know why? Because that shit is rigged - still haven't received an explanation as to why my 88 votes for Jermaino in last week's poll weren't counted. You think I'm joking - I'm not. By the way, is Jermaino going to be in every poll this year? I mean, I'm not complaining - just checking.
6) Movie Review - "White Nights": Admittedly this review is somewhat belated since the movie came out sometime in the 1980s [editor’s note – 1985]. Also, full disclosure – I have not seen this movie. I did, however, recently watch Lionel Richie’s video for the song “Say You, Say Me,” which is the theme song for the movie – really, it’s more of a film – and the video is almost exclusively clips from the film, and you can pretty much piece together everything from that. So you have Mikhail Bayishnikov starring as a Russian ballet dancer who wants to emigrate to America, probably, and the KGB doesn’t want him to – remember, it’s 1985, during the Cold War, when Russians were still cool. And then Gregory Hines is the retired black dancer who lives in a dingy apartment in New York City , and he doesn’t dance anymore for some reason, either he blew a big audition, or his fiancé died in a dancing accident, or something like that. And Lionel Richie is in there somewhere as well, wearing a suede Members Only jacket. The Wikipedia page also says Helen Mirren is in it, though I didn't notice her in the video. You know why? 'Cuz I only notice hot girls. So Baryshnikov hides out in Hines’ apartment, and he tries to convince Hines to come back to dancing, which Hines is totally reluctant to do, but Baryshnikov is slowly winning him over through persistence. But you know the KGB are eventually going to find him, which they do, and then they kick the crap out of the both of them, because they are nancy-boy dancers who don’t know anything about fighting. But then right when they are going to take Baryshnikov away, back to Russia, probably putting him a gulag, Hines is like, “Wait, okay, I’ll do it – I’ll dance,” and he and Baryshnikov perform a wondrous dance that convinces the KGB to let Baryshnikov go. A couple of things: first, Mikhail Baryshnikov in this movie looks exactly Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day, sans the bad ink and wacky-colored hair (“Look – my hair’s red – I’m a punk!”). Second, say what you want to about Baryshnikov’s elegant brilliance, but I saw Gregory Hines on Broadway in 1992 starring in Jelly’s Last Jam, and believe me, dance-wise, he is holding back in the film so he doesn’t make Baryshnikov look bad. Baryshnikov may – may – be better at ballet than Hines, but there is no way he can hang with Hines in whatever it is you call the kind of dancing that Hines does. I call it "hot-footing!" Not sure that’s the technical term, though. Anyways, obviously, I give this movie 10 out of 10. Men in tights!!!
Back for Thursday night at home against Boston. I'd say it's a big game - already lost to them once, just took a bad beat at home...Let's GO!
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Saturday, November 6, 2010
Heat 101 Nets 89
6 Thoughts
1) Well, this game was over at the end of the first quarter by which time Chris Bosh had missed 3 uncontested layups, Dwyane Wade 1, and LeBron James blew an alley-oop dunk, Nets Brook Lopez and Anthony Morrow were on fire...and the Heat was down only 1. Ballgame. Bad team in town, both teams on a back-to-back - just another boiler plate blowout in the NBA...Let's Go!
2) Best stretch of game: With Miami up 14 or so very late in the third quarter, LeBron James steamed down court in transition and got lightly, but mildly dirtily, body-checked by Terrence Williams a step before take off, sending him into the fourth row of the seats behind the basket. Williams got a flagrant foul, so James made 1 of 2 free throws, and Miami retained possession, and inbounded the ball to James who made a turnaround 3 in Williams' face. Oops. After a New Jersey miss, LeBron ran the third quarter clock down and drilled a 24 foot triple at the buzzer over two guys. Start the buses - let's go!
3) Dwyane Wade: back-to-back 10 rebound games, to go with 29 points tonight. Was able to get to the rim at will, banged a couple threes, shot 10 free throws. Effective night for Dwyane.
4) Heat power forward Chris Bosh against Net big man Brook Lopez was an absolute slugfest. And by "absolute slugfest," I mean it was like an episode of The Gilmore Girls. I mean, I think - I've never seen The Gilmore Girls, but I imagine that is what an episode would look like. Bosh - somehow - emerged victorious with 21 points and 5 rebounds, but that was mostly a function of him awkwardly stumbling into the lane only to get fouled by the even more awkward and out-of-position Lopez, or Troy Murphy. Oh - and I think he had 2 jumpers bank in. Let's just say the numbers look better than he did. Lopez scored on 3 of his first 4 touches, and then, I don't know...Gave up? Got fatigued? Retired? He's the biggest guy on the court by 4 inches and 35 pounds and he finished with 12 points and 3 rebounds on 5-17 shooting. Holy Petro! Not to mention he was - easily - the worst defensive player on the court. You can use the fouls to defend the rim - they give you six of them, sweetheart...In fairness to Bosh, he acknowledged after the game that he is still feeling tentative, and trying to figure out his role in the offense. But not Lopez: "I just thought we missed open shots." Okay! What about the layup line at your defensive rim? Let's go!
5) Okay, everybody's favorite game show is back: Hot Seconds with Jax! Last year's champion: Emcee Chalmers! This year's first contestant: LeBron James. Couldn't spell Ilgauskas - not even close, really - but bounced back strong by naming the last five Finals MVPs. Put 5 on the board, we'll see if it stands up. I'm going with Juwan Howard, because I think he'll take it seriously. M.Minutos is going with Udonis Haslem, just because she is in love with him.
6) Our favorite Dos reader, Scott, wrote in with a question: "On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the ultra-flamboyant, and openly gay and proud, figure skater Johnny Weir, how gay is a male wearing a towel on his head after a shower or bath? I say, spectacularly, a 10. That was how my neighbour, who lives with a girl it must be said, answered the door yesterday morning. Offputting in the extreme."
Great question. Not sure why you asked me a non-pejorative gay question, but I will do my best to answer it, of course. First of all, great job spelling neighbor with the extra European "u" - we know you are from Europe and more cultured than we are, but thanks for the reminder...Second of all, if a 10 on the scale is ultra-flamboyant figure skater Johnny Weir, than a 1 is, of course, presumptive House speaker-elect John Boehner. Boehner! Third of all, you are absolutely correct: man with a towel on head, post-shower - 10 out of 10 on the gay scale...Let's go!
Back Tuesday, home versus Utah. Let's Go!
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1) Well, this game was over at the end of the first quarter by which time Chris Bosh had missed 3 uncontested layups, Dwyane Wade 1, and LeBron James blew an alley-oop dunk, Nets Brook Lopez and Anthony Morrow were on fire...and the Heat was down only 1. Ballgame. Bad team in town, both teams on a back-to-back - just another boiler plate blowout in the NBA...Let's Go!
2) Best stretch of game: With Miami up 14 or so very late in the third quarter, LeBron James steamed down court in transition and got lightly, but mildly dirtily, body-checked by Terrence Williams a step before take off, sending him into the fourth row of the seats behind the basket. Williams got a flagrant foul, so James made 1 of 2 free throws, and Miami retained possession, and inbounded the ball to James who made a turnaround 3 in Williams' face. Oops. After a New Jersey miss, LeBron ran the third quarter clock down and drilled a 24 foot triple at the buzzer over two guys. Start the buses - let's go!
3) Dwyane Wade: back-to-back 10 rebound games, to go with 29 points tonight. Was able to get to the rim at will, banged a couple threes, shot 10 free throws. Effective night for Dwyane.
4) Heat power forward Chris Bosh against Net big man Brook Lopez was an absolute slugfest. And by "absolute slugfest," I mean it was like an episode of The Gilmore Girls. I mean, I think - I've never seen The Gilmore Girls, but I imagine that is what an episode would look like. Bosh - somehow - emerged victorious with 21 points and 5 rebounds, but that was mostly a function of him awkwardly stumbling into the lane only to get fouled by the even more awkward and out-of-position Lopez, or Troy Murphy. Oh - and I think he had 2 jumpers bank in. Let's just say the numbers look better than he did. Lopez scored on 3 of his first 4 touches, and then, I don't know...Gave up? Got fatigued? Retired? He's the biggest guy on the court by 4 inches and 35 pounds and he finished with 12 points and 3 rebounds on 5-17 shooting. Holy Petro! Not to mention he was - easily - the worst defensive player on the court. You can use the fouls to defend the rim - they give you six of them, sweetheart...In fairness to Bosh, he acknowledged after the game that he is still feeling tentative, and trying to figure out his role in the offense. But not Lopez: "I just thought we missed open shots." Okay! What about the layup line at your defensive rim? Let's go!
5) Okay, everybody's favorite game show is back: Hot Seconds with Jax! Last year's champion: Emcee Chalmers! This year's first contestant: LeBron James. Couldn't spell Ilgauskas - not even close, really - but bounced back strong by naming the last five Finals MVPs. Put 5 on the board, we'll see if it stands up. I'm going with Juwan Howard, because I think he'll take it seriously. M.Minutos is going with Udonis Haslem, just because she is in love with him.
6) Our favorite Dos reader, Scott, wrote in with a question: "On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the ultra-flamboyant, and openly gay and proud, figure skater Johnny Weir, how gay is a male wearing a towel on his head after a shower or bath? I say, spectacularly, a 10. That was how my neighbour, who lives with a girl it must be said, answered the door yesterday morning. Offputting in the extreme."
Great question. Not sure why you asked me a non-pejorative gay question, but I will do my best to answer it, of course. First of all, great job spelling neighbor with the extra European "u" - we know you are from Europe and more cultured than we are, but thanks for the reminder...Second of all, if a 10 on the scale is ultra-flamboyant figure skater Johnny Weir, than a 1 is, of course, presumptive House speaker-elect John Boehner. Boehner! Third of all, you are absolutely correct: man with a towel on head, post-shower - 10 out of 10 on the gay scale...Let's go!
Back Tuesday, home versus Utah. Let's Go!
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Friday, November 5, 2010
Hornets 96 Heat 93
6 Thoughts
1) One thing we are not going to do at this blog is make every game a referendum on the Wade-James-Bosh triumvirate, and the team as a whole...We are going to leave that for the 65 panicked emails I will get tomorrow about the game...It was a bad night in New Orleans, got down 10, stayed down 10 all night, clawed back to a one point lead in the last minutes or so, and didn't make a play or catch a break at the end. It happens. But one trend so far this season? Miami is just getting beat the hell up inside. That's disturbing...Let's Go!
2) Chris Bosh - I mean, he has to rebound. He is the starting power forward, and plays minutes at center, as well. He averaged over 10 rebounds a game last year. He is long, quick, and a good jumper. He came in averaging only 6.4 rebounds a game - that's not enough. Then tonight he somehow only "accumulated" 1 rebound in 34 minutes. Holy Jermaino! That's only 1 more rebound than L'il Wayne had tonight sitting courtside in a Cincinnati Reds cap and he just got out of prison this week, so you know he is rusty. Hornets center Emeka Okafor pummeled Bosh and Haslem, and everyone else, inside - 26 points and 13 rebounds. Troubling.
3) Chris Paul was brilliant. Only 13 points, but 19 assists, including the biggest play of the game, a drive-and-kick to Trevor Ariza for a triple to put NO up 4 with 14 seconds to go. Got through an entire game without punching anyone in the nuts, or otherwise taking a cheap shot.
4) Two observations about Miami's offense: 1) the halfcourt offense is 80% smoother when Wade runs it as opposed to LeBron, since Dwyane continually attacks and puts the ball in uncomfortable spaces for the defense; 2) the fastbreak flourishes best when LeBron takes the ball, thunders down court, smashes into someone, and then lays it into the basket. Let's all stick to our strengths until we have things smoothed out a little.
5) Some things you just can't learn about a guy until he is on your team. Two things about LeBron James: 1) He loves ending his tweets with a hearty "Let's Go!" For example: "Tuff loss 2nite in NO, my boy CP3 wuz gr8. Goin out 4 po-boys...Let's Go!" He'll change it up, too, depending on how badly he wants you to go, like, "Let's GO," or sometimes even "LET'S GO!" 2) No one - and I mean no one - has ever consistently got to the bench faster to sit down during timeouts than James. First noticed by M.Minutos halfway through the second game of the season. The instant the ball goes dead for a timeout, he immediately turns and motors for the bench - you can't deter him. Maybe - maybe - he gives some brief dap to a teammate who comes out to meet him, but he isn't slowing down to do it, and his eyes always stay riveted on the seat he is going to sit it. I don't know if he is really, really tired, or there is just a certain chair that he likes on the bench and he wants to get there first, or he needs the extra time over there to tweet to somebody to "Let's Go." But you watch - I don't know if he is going to lead the league in triple doubles this year, but he is definitely going to lead it in "least time on the court after dead balls." Let's Go!
6) How is everyone feeling about the election results from Tuesday? I feel great! First of all, many, many people have compared me to Florida Governor elect Rick Scott. And by “many, many people,” I mean, of course, The Captain. He points out that we are both lanky white dudes with shaved balding heads, a black sidekick, absolutely no moral compass, and a net worth of hundreds of millions of dollars. Oh, and we both hate the po-lice! I’m feeling like this could really jump start my political career…Also, love new presumptive House Speaker John Boehner. Boehner! Some people thought he might be voted out of office prematurely, but he held firm in his convictions and ended up drilling his opponent. What I love about him is not just the length of his service, but also the breadth of his experience. Some people think he can be a prick to work with at times, but I prefer to think of him as sticking it to big government. What a stimulating guy!
Back in Miami tomorrow night for Plumber's Nets. C u there - LET'S GOOOOO!
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1) One thing we are not going to do at this blog is make every game a referendum on the Wade-James-Bosh triumvirate, and the team as a whole...We are going to leave that for the 65 panicked emails I will get tomorrow about the game...It was a bad night in New Orleans, got down 10, stayed down 10 all night, clawed back to a one point lead in the last minutes or so, and didn't make a play or catch a break at the end. It happens. But one trend so far this season? Miami is just getting beat the hell up inside. That's disturbing...Let's Go!
2) Chris Bosh - I mean, he has to rebound. He is the starting power forward, and plays minutes at center, as well. He averaged over 10 rebounds a game last year. He is long, quick, and a good jumper. He came in averaging only 6.4 rebounds a game - that's not enough. Then tonight he somehow only "accumulated" 1 rebound in 34 minutes. Holy Jermaino! That's only 1 more rebound than L'il Wayne had tonight sitting courtside in a Cincinnati Reds cap and he just got out of prison this week, so you know he is rusty. Hornets center Emeka Okafor pummeled Bosh and Haslem, and everyone else, inside - 26 points and 13 rebounds. Troubling.
3) Chris Paul was brilliant. Only 13 points, but 19 assists, including the biggest play of the game, a drive-and-kick to Trevor Ariza for a triple to put NO up 4 with 14 seconds to go. Got through an entire game without punching anyone in the nuts, or otherwise taking a cheap shot.
4) Two observations about Miami's offense: 1) the halfcourt offense is 80% smoother when Wade runs it as opposed to LeBron, since Dwyane continually attacks and puts the ball in uncomfortable spaces for the defense; 2) the fastbreak flourishes best when LeBron takes the ball, thunders down court, smashes into someone, and then lays it into the basket. Let's all stick to our strengths until we have things smoothed out a little.
5) Some things you just can't learn about a guy until he is on your team. Two things about LeBron James: 1) He loves ending his tweets with a hearty "Let's Go!" For example: "Tuff loss 2nite in NO, my boy CP3 wuz gr8. Goin out 4 po-boys...Let's Go!" He'll change it up, too, depending on how badly he wants you to go, like, "Let's GO," or sometimes even "LET'S GO!" 2) No one - and I mean no one - has ever consistently got to the bench faster to sit down during timeouts than James. First noticed by M.Minutos halfway through the second game of the season. The instant the ball goes dead for a timeout, he immediately turns and motors for the bench - you can't deter him. Maybe - maybe - he gives some brief dap to a teammate who comes out to meet him, but he isn't slowing down to do it, and his eyes always stay riveted on the seat he is going to sit it. I don't know if he is really, really tired, or there is just a certain chair that he likes on the bench and he wants to get there first, or he needs the extra time over there to tweet to somebody to "Let's Go." But you watch - I don't know if he is going to lead the league in triple doubles this year, but he is definitely going to lead it in "least time on the court after dead balls." Let's Go!
6) How is everyone feeling about the election results from Tuesday? I feel great! First of all, many, many people have compared me to Florida Governor elect Rick Scott. And by “many, many people,” I mean, of course, The Captain. He points out that we are both lanky white dudes with shaved balding heads, a black sidekick, absolutely no moral compass, and a net worth of hundreds of millions of dollars. Oh, and we both hate the po-lice! I’m feeling like this could really jump start my political career…Also, love new presumptive House Speaker John Boehner. Boehner! Some people thought he might be voted out of office prematurely, but he held firm in his convictions and ended up drilling his opponent. What I love about him is not just the length of his service, but also the breadth of his experience. Some people think he can be a prick to work with at times, but I prefer to think of him as sticking it to big government. What a stimulating guy!
Back in Miami tomorrow night for Plumber's Nets. C u there - LET'S GOOOOO!
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Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Heat 129 TWolves 97
6 Thoughts
1) First of all: oh-no. I mean, just: oh-no. So, our boy, Mike "Supercool" Beasley was back in town tonight. Everyone thinks we hate him; we actually love him. It was great to see him wrestling with Dwyane Wade on the floor of the court during warmups - don't want any hard feelings between Mike and his former teammates. And he looks terrific - must have lost 15 pounds in the offseason. Came out aggressive, and when he rolled down the lane in to a one-handed tomahawk dunk on an offensive rebound, I couldn't have been happier. But moments later, he drove left, elevated, and got hit at the apex by Chris Bosh, and crashed down - hard - on to his hip. Couldn't shoot his free throw, couldn't stay in the game, could barely even walk to the locker room. Heat sideliner Jason Jackson reported that the Timberwolves were calling Mike's injury a hip contusion, but Jax wasn't buying it: "they better get him an MRI." Just: oh-no. Get well soon, Mike - get well soon.
2) This is now four games in a row that Miami has led by 25+ in the third quarter. That is ridiculous. They are killing people - the games aren't even competitive. The teams, besides Orlando, have been a little weak, but still...Is the whole year going to be like this? By the way, M.Minutos could care less: "This is what we have been working towards all these years. I love it!"
3) In the first half alone, Dwyane Wade had 22 points, virtually without ever dribbling the ball, just by cutting to open spots and dunking, or offensive rebounding. He barely played in the second half, and only 24 minutes overall. LeBron James had 6 points and 9 assists in the first half - he played the third quarter and poured in 14 to get to 20 for the night. The reality is, right now the third quarter is garbage time for this team, at least for the starters, since they aren't going to see the court in the fourth quarter. The fourth quarter is strictly for seeing how many shots and points the offensively ubiquitous Eddie House can accumulate in 12 minutes: tonight it was 5 and 15 (4-4 triples, and 3 free throws - impressive!)...
4) James Jones who, God bless him, seems like the nicest guy on the team, leads the NBA in triples right now, and is 18-34. That's pretty hot. And he is their second best shooter - their best, Mike Miller, is sidelined until February or so. If James Jones is making that many shots, and Eddie House is making that many shots, and UD stands on the baseline and makes shots, and Chris Bosh makes shots from the elbow - that's a lot of made shots. And it is tough to get to those guys when Wade and LeBron are zipping around with the ball. Right now this team is a serious, serious problem for the NBA...The offense still doesn't look that fluid and they dropped 129 tonight - goodness gracious...
5) Okay, Election Night in America!!! And I am not happy with the results! I am talking, of course, about the ATT Poll, in which tonight's question was: "Which former Heat player do you think will have the best season for their new team this year? Dorell Wright, Mike Beasley, Quentin Richardson, Daequan Cook, or Jermaine O'Neal?" You text in your vote to 789789. Early returns showed Supercool Beas with a fairly significant lead over DWright, although Dorell is actually off to the best start out of the group out in Golden State - 19 a game, and dropping triples like he's James Jones...But in disturbing news: initial numbers had Jermaine O'Neal at 0.0%. At that point, someone in Casa Dos may or may not have went and retrieved their cell phone, and texted "e" 88 times to 789789, only stopping when he or she got a message back that said I - I mean he or she - had reached the maximum number of allowable votes. But, when Jax called it in the postgame show, declaring Beasley the clearcut winner, even with a potentially broken hip, Jermaino still had 0.0% of the vote!!! I don't know if "certain" votes that may or may not have been cast were invalidated on suspicion of voter fraud, or there were so many votes cast that even 88 weren't enough to lift Jermaino to even 1%, or if there was some kind of correlation to the year I wrote a letter to the White House like sixty-one days in a row to George Bush asking him to "step off" until I got a polite cease-and-desist request from Washington. I just don't know. But what I do know is that Jermaino is going to make 100% of the electorate - minus 88 votes - very unhappy when he has the best year out of the five, and leads the Celtics to another title...
6) At grocery store this evening, saw headline on the Enquirer, or whatever: "Oprah's Gay Life Uncovered!" Okay, now we're just waiting for her straight life to be uncovered, and we'll be all set! Goodnight everybody, we'll be here all season, mostly watching games that aren't competitive from halfway through the second quarter onwards!
See you Friday in New Orleans!
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1) First of all: oh-no. I mean, just: oh-no. So, our boy, Mike "Supercool" Beasley was back in town tonight. Everyone thinks we hate him; we actually love him. It was great to see him wrestling with Dwyane Wade on the floor of the court during warmups - don't want any hard feelings between Mike and his former teammates. And he looks terrific - must have lost 15 pounds in the offseason. Came out aggressive, and when he rolled down the lane in to a one-handed tomahawk dunk on an offensive rebound, I couldn't have been happier. But moments later, he drove left, elevated, and got hit at the apex by Chris Bosh, and crashed down - hard - on to his hip. Couldn't shoot his free throw, couldn't stay in the game, could barely even walk to the locker room. Heat sideliner Jason Jackson reported that the Timberwolves were calling Mike's injury a hip contusion, but Jax wasn't buying it: "they better get him an MRI." Just: oh-no. Get well soon, Mike - get well soon.
2) This is now four games in a row that Miami has led by 25+ in the third quarter. That is ridiculous. They are killing people - the games aren't even competitive. The teams, besides Orlando, have been a little weak, but still...Is the whole year going to be like this? By the way, M.Minutos could care less: "This is what we have been working towards all these years. I love it!"
3) In the first half alone, Dwyane Wade had 22 points, virtually without ever dribbling the ball, just by cutting to open spots and dunking, or offensive rebounding. He barely played in the second half, and only 24 minutes overall. LeBron James had 6 points and 9 assists in the first half - he played the third quarter and poured in 14 to get to 20 for the night. The reality is, right now the third quarter is garbage time for this team, at least for the starters, since they aren't going to see the court in the fourth quarter. The fourth quarter is strictly for seeing how many shots and points the offensively ubiquitous Eddie House can accumulate in 12 minutes: tonight it was 5 and 15 (4-4 triples, and 3 free throws - impressive!)...
4) James Jones who, God bless him, seems like the nicest guy on the team, leads the NBA in triples right now, and is 18-34. That's pretty hot. And he is their second best shooter - their best, Mike Miller, is sidelined until February or so. If James Jones is making that many shots, and Eddie House is making that many shots, and UD stands on the baseline and makes shots, and Chris Bosh makes shots from the elbow - that's a lot of made shots. And it is tough to get to those guys when Wade and LeBron are zipping around with the ball. Right now this team is a serious, serious problem for the NBA...The offense still doesn't look that fluid and they dropped 129 tonight - goodness gracious...
5) Okay, Election Night in America!!! And I am not happy with the results! I am talking, of course, about the ATT Poll, in which tonight's question was: "Which former Heat player do you think will have the best season for their new team this year? Dorell Wright, Mike Beasley, Quentin Richardson, Daequan Cook, or Jermaine O'Neal?" You text in your vote to 789789. Early returns showed Supercool Beas with a fairly significant lead over DWright, although Dorell is actually off to the best start out of the group out in Golden State - 19 a game, and dropping triples like he's James Jones...But in disturbing news: initial numbers had Jermaine O'Neal at 0.0%. At that point, someone in Casa Dos may or may not have went and retrieved their cell phone, and texted "e" 88 times to 789789, only stopping when he or she got a message back that said I - I mean he or she - had reached the maximum number of allowable votes. But, when Jax called it in the postgame show, declaring Beasley the clearcut winner, even with a potentially broken hip, Jermaino still had 0.0% of the vote!!! I don't know if "certain" votes that may or may not have been cast were invalidated on suspicion of voter fraud, or there were so many votes cast that even 88 weren't enough to lift Jermaino to even 1%, or if there was some kind of correlation to the year I wrote a letter to the White House like sixty-one days in a row to George Bush asking him to "step off" until I got a polite cease-and-desist request from Washington. I just don't know. But what I do know is that Jermaino is going to make 100% of the electorate - minus 88 votes - very unhappy when he has the best year out of the five, and leads the Celtics to another title...
6) At grocery store this evening, saw headline on the Enquirer, or whatever: "Oprah's Gay Life Uncovered!" Okay, now we're just waiting for her straight life to be uncovered, and we'll be all set! Goodnight everybody, we'll be here all season, mostly watching games that aren't competitive from halfway through the second quarter onwards!
See you Friday in New Orleans!
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Sunday, October 31, 2010
Heat 101 Nets 78
6 Thoughts
1) I'm drunk (ice cold vodka mixed with cranberry and lemonade together, sipped - okay, gulped - out of a thermos while taking kids trick-or-treating), I'm exhausted, and for a third straight game, it was over by halftime. In fact, tonight it was over 5 minutes in - the Nets scored the first hoop of the game before Miami scored, seemingly, the next hundred, and that was that - Nets never made even a semblance of a run. That is seven straight halves of basketball, including the second half in Boston, where Miami has badly outplayed someone. And I wouldn't even say they are playing that well. I have a feeling there may be a lot of games like this during the season...Let's do - quick!...
2) Neither Wade, James or Bosh had to play during the fourth quarter. Wade and Bosh were efficient: Wade 17 points on only 9 shots, with 7 assists and 6 rebounds, and Bosh 18 on 10 shots. LeBron struggled again: turned it over 5 more times - he might be on some kind of record pace - although he did score 20 on 12 shots, including at least 2 or 3 ridiculous coast-to-coast drives through the entire Nets team. James also had 7 rebound and 7 assists. Nets' fan Plumber said it best: "it looked like j.v. versus the varsity."
3)Zydrunas Ilgauskas - FEEL IT! Dropped several looooong jumpers on the way to 10 points and 4 boards in only 18 minutes. He's been really good so far. He comes in and gives a totally different look than Joel Anthony. Anthony is undersized, and scrappy, and tough, but has butter emanating from his very soul, thus making it tough for him to catch passes, let alone score a basket. Z comes in and is, well, tall, and sets a high screen for James, spots up at 20 feet, and swishes jumpers. Well, they aren't exactly jumpers. He made one early tonight, which was the classic - "we-already-can't-stop-Wade-James-or-Bosh-and-if-a-bald-giant-Lithuanian-center-is-going-to-come-in-and-start-ripping-20-foot-set-shots-all-night-just-tell-us-now-and-we'll-go-home-since-we-have-no-chance" shot.
4) Until a late fast break hoop by the Nets, there was some bizarre stat that the Heat hadn't allowed a fast break basket since early in the first game of the season - can't remember exactly what it was. But you can see the mindset of the team - they don't crash the offensive boards much, even though guys like Bosh, Wade, and James all could. Instead, you often see them retreat rapidly when shots go up. Has to be by design - they can match up so well defensively in the half court, really the only way an undermanned team like the Nets can beat them is by getting out and getting open looks in transition. The Heat know if they get back in transition and make you play halfcourt, they are going to make it tougher on your offense than your offense can make it on their defense. Wait - yeah, something like that, you know what I mean. The organization has been defense-first since Riley arrived and this is, by far, the most athletic group they have had. They swallow drivers, run wings off open looks and make them dribble, and then re-swallow those drives. So, so hard to get a good look against Miami in the half court. Case in point: Miami, 29 assists and 8 turnovers; Nets 16 points and 15 turnovers. It isn't the numbers as much as what they represent - Miami is going to get better shots than their opponent almost every night.
5) We have our favorites at Dos Minutos, and then we have our guys who make us want to slit our wrists. With all apologies to Plumber, this Terrence Williams, the Nets backup - well, I don't know position he plays, but when he comes in he starts dribbling all over the court like a crazed lunatic, launching odd-looking jumpers that he releases while still on the way up, and hunts over-ambitious passes. You would definitely show a video of him to your high school team and tell them - "never do this." He plays hard, no doubt, but his decision-making is brutal. Just the over-dribbling alone is brutal. Hit the rare trifecta tonight when on three straight Nets' possessions in the third quarter threw a pass that Wade intercepted for a runout, then a pass LeBron intercepted for a runout, then another pass to Wade for another runout. It was tough to watch. And by "tough," I mean "kind of hilarious." Even M.Minutos, who only has a vague-ish sense of the talents of Terrence Williams, was like, "what in the hell is that kid doing?" Captain: put him on the bad list...
6) I love basketball. It is the only sport I really like. But you know one thing I hate about basketball? I mean, besides Terrence Williams? This blog. You know why? Because for like 7 months out of the year, I feel like this is all I do. And then, like, when you take your kids out trick-or-treating with another dad and his kids, and he is like a dad who knows stuff, this is how the conversations go: "Hey, have you seen that new video on Human Giant/the Nick Swerdlove Show/Laugh or Die (I messed up the names, I am sure, don't f-ing email me that)?" "No, is it good?" "Yeah, it's awesome, I'll email it to you." But guess what? He'll never email it to me, because he will forget, because he will be watching other cool things online, or playing interactive Men of Glory, or Honor, or something on a Playstation or whatever, which I would like to do, too, but instead while he is doing that, I will be writing this dumb blog. And then, because he realizes I don't know any cool online stuff, he goes mainstream for my benefit, even though he thinks it's lame, and then, because I am feeling rattled, and I don't get to see a lot of movies, when he's like, "If you could sleep with any movie star, who would it be?," I'm like, "oh - Paul Walker," and then there is a really awkward silence, and then he is like, "I meant which woman," and then I'm like, "oh, yeah, right - ummm, I can't really think of one right now..." That's what can happen, that's what this blog does to me.
Okay, tonight was a bit of a lame game, but...start the over-aggro emails!!! The prodigal son returns on Tuesday!!! Mike Beasley is in town with his new team, the Minnesota T-Wolves!!! See you then! HIDE YOUR STASH!!!
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1) I'm drunk (ice cold vodka mixed with cranberry and lemonade together, sipped - okay, gulped - out of a thermos while taking kids trick-or-treating), I'm exhausted, and for a third straight game, it was over by halftime. In fact, tonight it was over 5 minutes in - the Nets scored the first hoop of the game before Miami scored, seemingly, the next hundred, and that was that - Nets never made even a semblance of a run. That is seven straight halves of basketball, including the second half in Boston, where Miami has badly outplayed someone. And I wouldn't even say they are playing that well. I have a feeling there may be a lot of games like this during the season...Let's do - quick!...
2) Neither Wade, James or Bosh had to play during the fourth quarter. Wade and Bosh were efficient: Wade 17 points on only 9 shots, with 7 assists and 6 rebounds, and Bosh 18 on 10 shots. LeBron struggled again: turned it over 5 more times - he might be on some kind of record pace - although he did score 20 on 12 shots, including at least 2 or 3 ridiculous coast-to-coast drives through the entire Nets team. James also had 7 rebound and 7 assists. Nets' fan Plumber said it best: "it looked like j.v. versus the varsity."
3)Zydrunas Ilgauskas - FEEL IT! Dropped several looooong jumpers on the way to 10 points and 4 boards in only 18 minutes. He's been really good so far. He comes in and gives a totally different look than Joel Anthony. Anthony is undersized, and scrappy, and tough, but has butter emanating from his very soul, thus making it tough for him to catch passes, let alone score a basket. Z comes in and is, well, tall, and sets a high screen for James, spots up at 20 feet, and swishes jumpers. Well, they aren't exactly jumpers. He made one early tonight, which was the classic - "we-already-can't-stop-Wade-James-or-Bosh-and-if-a-bald-giant-Lithuanian-center-is-going-to-come-in-and-start-ripping-20-foot-set-shots-all-night-just-tell-us-now-and-we'll-go-home-since-we-have-no-chance" shot.
4) Until a late fast break hoop by the Nets, there was some bizarre stat that the Heat hadn't allowed a fast break basket since early in the first game of the season - can't remember exactly what it was. But you can see the mindset of the team - they don't crash the offensive boards much, even though guys like Bosh, Wade, and James all could. Instead, you often see them retreat rapidly when shots go up. Has to be by design - they can match up so well defensively in the half court, really the only way an undermanned team like the Nets can beat them is by getting out and getting open looks in transition. The Heat know if they get back in transition and make you play halfcourt, they are going to make it tougher on your offense than your offense can make it on their defense. Wait - yeah, something like that, you know what I mean. The organization has been defense-first since Riley arrived and this is, by far, the most athletic group they have had. They swallow drivers, run wings off open looks and make them dribble, and then re-swallow those drives. So, so hard to get a good look against Miami in the half court. Case in point: Miami, 29 assists and 8 turnovers; Nets 16 points and 15 turnovers. It isn't the numbers as much as what they represent - Miami is going to get better shots than their opponent almost every night.
5) We have our favorites at Dos Minutos, and then we have our guys who make us want to slit our wrists. With all apologies to Plumber, this Terrence Williams, the Nets backup - well, I don't know position he plays, but when he comes in he starts dribbling all over the court like a crazed lunatic, launching odd-looking jumpers that he releases while still on the way up, and hunts over-ambitious passes. You would definitely show a video of him to your high school team and tell them - "never do this." He plays hard, no doubt, but his decision-making is brutal. Just the over-dribbling alone is brutal. Hit the rare trifecta tonight when on three straight Nets' possessions in the third quarter threw a pass that Wade intercepted for a runout, then a pass LeBron intercepted for a runout, then another pass to Wade for another runout. It was tough to watch. And by "tough," I mean "kind of hilarious." Even M.Minutos, who only has a vague-ish sense of the talents of Terrence Williams, was like, "what in the hell is that kid doing?" Captain: put him on the bad list...
6) I love basketball. It is the only sport I really like. But you know one thing I hate about basketball? I mean, besides Terrence Williams? This blog. You know why? Because for like 7 months out of the year, I feel like this is all I do. And then, like, when you take your kids out trick-or-treating with another dad and his kids, and he is like a dad who knows stuff, this is how the conversations go: "Hey, have you seen that new video on Human Giant/the Nick Swerdlove Show/Laugh or Die (I messed up the names, I am sure, don't f-ing email me that)?" "No, is it good?" "Yeah, it's awesome, I'll email it to you." But guess what? He'll never email it to me, because he will forget, because he will be watching other cool things online, or playing interactive Men of Glory, or Honor, or something on a Playstation or whatever, which I would like to do, too, but instead while he is doing that, I will be writing this dumb blog. And then, because he realizes I don't know any cool online stuff, he goes mainstream for my benefit, even though he thinks it's lame, and then, because I am feeling rattled, and I don't get to see a lot of movies, when he's like, "If you could sleep with any movie star, who would it be?," I'm like, "oh - Paul Walker," and then there is a really awkward silence, and then he is like, "I meant which woman," and then I'm like, "oh, yeah, right - ummm, I can't really think of one right now..." That's what can happen, that's what this blog does to me.
Okay, tonight was a bit of a lame game, but...start the over-aggro emails!!! The prodigal son returns on Tuesday!!! Mike Beasley is in town with his new team, the Minnesota T-Wolves!!! See you then! HIDE YOUR STASH!!!
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Friday, October 29, 2010
Heat 96 Magic 70
6 Thoughts
1) Ascot Night, boy!!! Jax rockin' the peach ascot!!! And there's more: defense!!! If this team decides to put the other team on lock, someone is going to have a problem. And it's the other team. Miami's perimeter defense was too much for Orlando's wings. They chased them off open threes, an Orlando staple, and made Orlando pound it inside to Dwight Howard - he kept the Magic in it for a half with 19 points, but Miami still led by 6 at intermission, their offense still sputtering along with starts and fits as Wade and James try to mesh their games. But when Miami started the third quarter with: James triple, Wade triple, Wade triple, James drive and feed to Bosh for free throws, LeBron back-to-back runners, it was a 14-0 run, and ballgame. For the second game in a row, Miami had a lead in the high 20s in the third quarter. The offense still isn't there - but the defense is looking like it has a little bit of potential. They put Orlando on lock, boy, choked'em out, like a too tight ascot...
2) First home game of the year. No more "Dwyannnnnnneee Waaaaaaaade" in introductions - PA guy Mike Baimonte going serious on us this year. Like it. But even better - this year's opening video screen montage? "In the Air Tonight!" If you live in or near the MIA, you know when you come rolling over that causeway, you're thinking it - I mean, in my car, we are actually playing it - but you know you are at least thinking it. It's kind of classic MIA. Wade is clearly Crockett, James clearly Tubbs. I guess Bosh is Edward James Olmos, because he speaks Spanish. M.Minutos: "It's like they could have used it any year, but they kept waiting and waiting, just in case, just in case they had a year where they really, really needed it. And that year is here."
3) Beyond the one third quarter spurt which, admittedly, ended the game, James was ordinary on offense again. Lot of ball bouncing - a lot. Starting to think Mo Williams might have been carrying that Cleveland offense more than I thought. He finished with 15 points, 6 boards, and 7 assists. The dirty little secret of the team so far is that Heat fans don't like LeBron yet. He looks uncomfortable on offense. When he is endlessly bouncing the ball and retreating, it feels like he is trying to usurp the team from Dwyane Wade. Not sure "usurp" is a word, by the way. His defense has been menacing, though, he is like a giant free safety ranging around, making it difficult for the other team to swing the ball side-to-side, and they just beat a top 5 NBA team by 26 - if he gets it figured out at all on the other end, this team could be pretty good.
4) Very white Magic guard J.J. Redick took a James elbow to the eye early in the third quarter, felt blood, and instantly strode toward the Magic locker room for attention. Joined by members of the Magic training staff en route, including one young woman who took the opportunity to needlessly shove someone out of the way in the tunnel heading to the locker room. Very purposeful young gal. "Goddamn it, this is J.J. Redick - out of the way! J.J. Redick coming through!!!"
5) New ad on Sunshine/Sunsports, whatever it is. Chris Assmar of Assmar Nissan. Doing his own ads. Looking very Danny McBride-ish - how else could you look if your name is Chris Assmar? Love the dealership, though, quality cars that can really take a pounding. I mean you can ride these cars hard, all day long. Handling: firm and tight. Assmar Nissan: I smell a big success story!
6) Signs a woman does amateur pornography:
1) Big boobs.
2) Wears wire-rimmed glasses so flimsy that you are pretty sure she doesn’t need glasses.
3) Fuscia nail polish, or any “electric” color.
4) Eyeshadow matches nail polish.
5) Shiny, straight hair, parted in the middle. Guys who love amateur porn love that shit, dude.
6) She is a little too assertive, looks even an intimidating guy like me square in the eye.
7) She might be a little overweight – that’s okay in amateur porn, of course, some dudes are feeling it, maybe like black dudes, although I am not sure they watch amateur porn - I always felt that was white guys.
So then here is what could happen if you meet someone like this: so she might be a little overweight, and then she is wearing a jacket, like I said, over a ruffle-y, white, button-down shirt. You know, a total, “succulent-thinly-disguised-as-a-substitute-secretary-from-the-temp-agency-goer-who-comes-into-your-office-to-take-dictation,” kind of role…And just because she is a little overweight, and she has the jacket on, and there are those ruffles, you can’t quite tell how many buttons are undone on her shirt, but you suspect it might be a couple too many. And you don’t want to be the guy who, like, looks, but you know you want to kind of know, even though I am not into amateur porn, at all, or being touched by strange, slightly overweight women, too much. I considered, for a minute, just going all “brash guy” and being, like, “Hey – is your shirt unbuttoned to an inappropriately low level?” But, instead, I fought a losing battle trying to avert my gaze from her bosom – there was a certain point at which I suddenly became conscious that I was staring directly at her chest…when I became conscious of this, for some reason my response was to suddenly twitch my head violently, as if I had Tourette’s, and then rub my eyes fiercely and at length, then re-engage eye contact and smile as if nothing at all had happened. Sad to say, I never could establish whether her shirt was inappropriately unbuttoned or not, but now I realize in the re-telling that if I had only been wearing my glasses, I probably could have figured it out. Why wasn’t I wearing them? Dude, come on, she probably does amateur porn, I didn’t want to look like a Simon!
Sunday against Plumber's 2-0 New Jersey Nets! Break up the New Jersey Basketball Nets!
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1) Ascot Night, boy!!! Jax rockin' the peach ascot!!! And there's more: defense!!! If this team decides to put the other team on lock, someone is going to have a problem. And it's the other team. Miami's perimeter defense was too much for Orlando's wings. They chased them off open threes, an Orlando staple, and made Orlando pound it inside to Dwight Howard - he kept the Magic in it for a half with 19 points, but Miami still led by 6 at intermission, their offense still sputtering along with starts and fits as Wade and James try to mesh their games. But when Miami started the third quarter with: James triple, Wade triple, Wade triple, James drive and feed to Bosh for free throws, LeBron back-to-back runners, it was a 14-0 run, and ballgame. For the second game in a row, Miami had a lead in the high 20s in the third quarter. The offense still isn't there - but the defense is looking like it has a little bit of potential. They put Orlando on lock, boy, choked'em out, like a too tight ascot...
2) First home game of the year. No more "Dwyannnnnnneee Waaaaaaaade" in introductions - PA guy Mike Baimonte going serious on us this year. Like it. But even better - this year's opening video screen montage? "In the Air Tonight!" If you live in or near the MIA, you know when you come rolling over that causeway, you're thinking it - I mean, in my car, we are actually playing it - but you know you are at least thinking it. It's kind of classic MIA. Wade is clearly Crockett, James clearly Tubbs. I guess Bosh is Edward James Olmos, because he speaks Spanish. M.Minutos: "It's like they could have used it any year, but they kept waiting and waiting, just in case, just in case they had a year where they really, really needed it. And that year is here."
3) Beyond the one third quarter spurt which, admittedly, ended the game, James was ordinary on offense again. Lot of ball bouncing - a lot. Starting to think Mo Williams might have been carrying that Cleveland offense more than I thought. He finished with 15 points, 6 boards, and 7 assists. The dirty little secret of the team so far is that Heat fans don't like LeBron yet. He looks uncomfortable on offense. When he is endlessly bouncing the ball and retreating, it feels like he is trying to usurp the team from Dwyane Wade. Not sure "usurp" is a word, by the way. His defense has been menacing, though, he is like a giant free safety ranging around, making it difficult for the other team to swing the ball side-to-side, and they just beat a top 5 NBA team by 26 - if he gets it figured out at all on the other end, this team could be pretty good.
4) Very white Magic guard J.J. Redick took a James elbow to the eye early in the third quarter, felt blood, and instantly strode toward the Magic locker room for attention. Joined by members of the Magic training staff en route, including one young woman who took the opportunity to needlessly shove someone out of the way in the tunnel heading to the locker room. Very purposeful young gal. "Goddamn it, this is J.J. Redick - out of the way! J.J. Redick coming through!!!"
5) New ad on Sunshine/Sunsports, whatever it is. Chris Assmar of Assmar Nissan. Doing his own ads. Looking very Danny McBride-ish - how else could you look if your name is Chris Assmar? Love the dealership, though, quality cars that can really take a pounding. I mean you can ride these cars hard, all day long. Handling: firm and tight. Assmar Nissan: I smell a big success story!
6) Signs a woman does amateur pornography:
1) Big boobs.
2) Wears wire-rimmed glasses so flimsy that you are pretty sure she doesn’t need glasses.
3) Fuscia nail polish, or any “electric” color.
4) Eyeshadow matches nail polish.
5) Shiny, straight hair, parted in the middle. Guys who love amateur porn love that shit, dude.
6) She is a little too assertive, looks even an intimidating guy like me square in the eye.
7) She might be a little overweight – that’s okay in amateur porn, of course, some dudes are feeling it, maybe like black dudes, although I am not sure they watch amateur porn - I always felt that was white guys.
So then here is what could happen if you meet someone like this: so she might be a little overweight, and then she is wearing a jacket, like I said, over a ruffle-y, white, button-down shirt. You know, a total, “succulent-thinly-disguised-as-a-substitute-secretary-from-the-temp-agency-goer-who-comes-into-your-office-to-take-dictation,” kind of role…And just because she is a little overweight, and she has the jacket on, and there are those ruffles, you can’t quite tell how many buttons are undone on her shirt, but you suspect it might be a couple too many. And you don’t want to be the guy who, like, looks, but you know you want to kind of know, even though I am not into amateur porn, at all, or being touched by strange, slightly overweight women, too much. I considered, for a minute, just going all “brash guy” and being, like, “Hey – is your shirt unbuttoned to an inappropriately low level?” But, instead, I fought a losing battle trying to avert my gaze from her bosom – there was a certain point at which I suddenly became conscious that I was staring directly at her chest…when I became conscious of this, for some reason my response was to suddenly twitch my head violently, as if I had Tourette’s, and then rub my eyes fiercely and at length, then re-engage eye contact and smile as if nothing at all had happened. Sad to say, I never could establish whether her shirt was inappropriately unbuttoned or not, but now I realize in the re-telling that if I had only been wearing my glasses, I probably could have figured it out. Why wasn’t I wearing them? Dude, come on, she probably does amateur porn, I didn’t want to look like a Simon!
Sunday against Plumber's 2-0 New Jersey Nets! Break up the New Jersey Basketball Nets!
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Heat 97 Sixers 87
6 Thoughts
1) Order was not restored - not at all, really - but at least Dwyane Wade is back. Seemed to have his legs under him a little bit, was more acclimated to the speed of the game after missing all of preseason, and had 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 4 assists, as the Heat opened up a 26 point lead in the third quarter and cruised in for an easy win which was not nearly as competitive as the score indicated...Let's do - with a geography lesson down in #6.
2) Why was order not restored? Because two of the Three Kings were absolutely terrible. I mean, LeBron James, or as he has now been nicknamed by M.Minutos, "LJ," played approximately somewhere between terrible and horrific. He had 5 first quarter turnovers on his way to a 9! turnover game, and a 5-12 shooting performance. At least 4 of his turnovers led to run outs and baskets on the other end for Philly. Chris Bosh was only vaguely better - had 15 points and 7 rebounds, but again was tentative and non-assertive. What does it say when two of your best three players play extremely poorly and you still beat an NBA team - sort of - that badly? I don't know, man. Are we sure Philly is an NBA team? Wow...
3) So, if Wade was good, and LJ and Bosh were bad, how did the Heat win? Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Foot-on-line dos. James Jones - never moving from the perimeter and feeling it, 6 of 9 on threes, and 7-10 for the floor for 20 points! Made four second quarter bombs - 3 in one run - to put the Heat up 14, and essentially ended the game. James is the only dude from Miami on the team, distinguished himself in a halftime cooking segment with Jax last year, and now is playing that Mike-Miller-stand-on-the-perimeter-catch-spits-from-LJ-and-Wade-and-stroke-it role while Miller is out. Tonight, he and Wade - that was enough...
4) The boys are back! From now on to be referred to in this blog as The Boyz. Eric Reid, Tony Fiorentino, and Jax - now with a slick-looking, sexy, shaved dome! I'd say they were better than ever, but Eric was hampered late in the game by a hoarse throat. Uh-oh, now that the Heat are back in the limelight, I hope he's not going all diva on us! The pre-game show featured Tony, as always, daintily caressing his mic like a modern-day Dean Martin, talking about the beat down in Boston last night, crooning that there were "a lot of bright spots in that game, Eric." Yes, true. One, Shaq didn't eat anybody. Two, no, that's it - that was the only bright spot. Everything else was terrible. And the game wasn't even on Sunsports, so we had to suffer through it with TNT announcers. But tonight, against crappy Philly, with The Boyz in the saddle, on the first play of the game when Chris Bosh posted, handed off to a baseline-cutting Dwyane Wade, who dunked while Elton Brand remained anchored to the floor like the Liberty Bell, you just had to feel like, "ahhhhhhhh."
5) Coach of the Year race update: Early front-runner, obviously, Doug Collins, new Sixers coach. He has been a head coach in this league three or four different times, each time getting bounced quickly because he is over-emotional, ultra-punitive with his substitution pattern, and his resting heart rate is "heightened panic." The pregame Collins introduction by The Boyz featured a clip of his press introduction to the Philly media which included a highly emotional recounting of the day he was drafted as a player by the Sixers back in the early 70s. Uh-oh. He then went on to call Wade and LJ "two of the best fastbreak players in the NBA;" held up a #20 Sixers uniform with the name Collins, as if he were going to play; claim that he doesn't always like to start his five best players; and sweat through his off-pink shirt halfway through the second quarter, turning it dark purple from mid-navel upwards. Oh, The Boyz also reported he suffered a severe case of vertigo in the preseason, causing him to fall and sustain a concussion. Oh, and he had a near nervous breakdown 8 minutes into the game when his players couldn't hear what set he was trying to call from across the court on an innocuous sideline inbounds play. Oh, and he yanked a starter ninety seconds into the second half for throwing a bad pass. And insisted on making human statue Elton Brand the centerpiece of the team's offense. It is going to be a long, long season for the Sixers' players...A looooong season. And, he, clearly, is the odds-on favorite for coach of the year.
6) Geography time! Who here knew that the Netherlands were part of Europe? Be honest…I thought the Netherlands were part of Scandinavia, and I thought that Scandinavia was a whole separate thing, like up in the ocean, far away from Europe. I do kind of wish that I had not expressed this to The Captain yesterday, because I received a good ten minutes of ridicule, especially when he asked me “Why did you think that,” and I thought about why I thought that, and then I said, “Because people, like, go on cruises to Scandinavia, so I thought it must be apart from other places.” I mean, The Captain already thinks I am a little dopey – he didn’t need more ammunition. So then he said, “What about Portugal,” and then I said, “What about it,” and then he said, “Do you think that is part of Europe,” and I said, “I know it is part of Europe,” and he said, “How do you know that,” and I said, “Because it is down at the bottom near Spain,” and he laughed, and I didn’t know why, but now that I am looking at a map of Europe that I just googled, I see why he was laughing since Portugal is off the western edge of Spain, and not at all where I actually thought it was. Well – we can’t all be fucking Einsteins!
Back Friday vs. Orlando - that's a tough one. Uh-oh, Chris Bosh - I hate to say this so early in your Heat career, but you need to get your mind right!
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1) Order was not restored - not at all, really - but at least Dwyane Wade is back. Seemed to have his legs under him a little bit, was more acclimated to the speed of the game after missing all of preseason, and had 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 4 assists, as the Heat opened up a 26 point lead in the third quarter and cruised in for an easy win which was not nearly as competitive as the score indicated...Let's do - with a geography lesson down in #6.
2) Why was order not restored? Because two of the Three Kings were absolutely terrible. I mean, LeBron James, or as he has now been nicknamed by M.Minutos, "LJ," played approximately somewhere between terrible and horrific. He had 5 first quarter turnovers on his way to a 9! turnover game, and a 5-12 shooting performance. At least 4 of his turnovers led to run outs and baskets on the other end for Philly. Chris Bosh was only vaguely better - had 15 points and 7 rebounds, but again was tentative and non-assertive. What does it say when two of your best three players play extremely poorly and you still beat an NBA team - sort of - that badly? I don't know, man. Are we sure Philly is an NBA team? Wow...
3) So, if Wade was good, and LJ and Bosh were bad, how did the Heat win? Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Foot-on-line dos. James Jones - never moving from the perimeter and feeling it, 6 of 9 on threes, and 7-10 for the floor for 20 points! Made four second quarter bombs - 3 in one run - to put the Heat up 14, and essentially ended the game. James is the only dude from Miami on the team, distinguished himself in a halftime cooking segment with Jax last year, and now is playing that Mike-Miller-stand-on-the-perimeter-catch-spits-from-LJ-and-Wade-and-stroke-it role while Miller is out. Tonight, he and Wade - that was enough...
4) The boys are back! From now on to be referred to in this blog as The Boyz. Eric Reid, Tony Fiorentino, and Jax - now with a slick-looking, sexy, shaved dome! I'd say they were better than ever, but Eric was hampered late in the game by a hoarse throat. Uh-oh, now that the Heat are back in the limelight, I hope he's not going all diva on us! The pre-game show featured Tony, as always, daintily caressing his mic like a modern-day Dean Martin, talking about the beat down in Boston last night, crooning that there were "a lot of bright spots in that game, Eric." Yes, true. One, Shaq didn't eat anybody. Two, no, that's it - that was the only bright spot. Everything else was terrible. And the game wasn't even on Sunsports, so we had to suffer through it with TNT announcers. But tonight, against crappy Philly, with The Boyz in the saddle, on the first play of the game when Chris Bosh posted, handed off to a baseline-cutting Dwyane Wade, who dunked while Elton Brand remained anchored to the floor like the Liberty Bell, you just had to feel like, "ahhhhhhhh."
5) Coach of the Year race update: Early front-runner, obviously, Doug Collins, new Sixers coach. He has been a head coach in this league three or four different times, each time getting bounced quickly because he is over-emotional, ultra-punitive with his substitution pattern, and his resting heart rate is "heightened panic." The pregame Collins introduction by The Boyz featured a clip of his press introduction to the Philly media which included a highly emotional recounting of the day he was drafted as a player by the Sixers back in the early 70s. Uh-oh. He then went on to call Wade and LJ "two of the best fastbreak players in the NBA;" held up a #20 Sixers uniform with the name Collins, as if he were going to play; claim that he doesn't always like to start his five best players; and sweat through his off-pink shirt halfway through the second quarter, turning it dark purple from mid-navel upwards. Oh, The Boyz also reported he suffered a severe case of vertigo in the preseason, causing him to fall and sustain a concussion. Oh, and he had a near nervous breakdown 8 minutes into the game when his players couldn't hear what set he was trying to call from across the court on an innocuous sideline inbounds play. Oh, and he yanked a starter ninety seconds into the second half for throwing a bad pass. And insisted on making human statue Elton Brand the centerpiece of the team's offense. It is going to be a long, long season for the Sixers' players...A looooong season. And, he, clearly, is the odds-on favorite for coach of the year.
6) Geography time! Who here knew that the Netherlands were part of Europe? Be honest…I thought the Netherlands were part of Scandinavia, and I thought that Scandinavia was a whole separate thing, like up in the ocean, far away from Europe. I do kind of wish that I had not expressed this to The Captain yesterday, because I received a good ten minutes of ridicule, especially when he asked me “Why did you think that,” and I thought about why I thought that, and then I said, “Because people, like, go on cruises to Scandinavia, so I thought it must be apart from other places.” I mean, The Captain already thinks I am a little dopey – he didn’t need more ammunition. So then he said, “What about Portugal,” and then I said, “What about it,” and then he said, “Do you think that is part of Europe,” and I said, “I know it is part of Europe,” and he said, “How do you know that,” and I said, “Because it is down at the bottom near Spain,” and he laughed, and I didn’t know why, but now that I am looking at a map of Europe that I just googled, I see why he was laughing since Portugal is off the western edge of Spain, and not at all where I actually thought it was. Well – we can’t all be fucking Einsteins!
Back Friday vs. Orlando - that's a tough one. Uh-oh, Chris Bosh - I hate to say this so early in your Heat career, but you need to get your mind right!
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Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Celtics 88 Heat 80
6 Thoughts
1) Well, we didn't win the championship yet..Let's not turn this into a referendum (M.Minutos' word - I am not sure what it means) on the team. It really is just one game, against a good team, on the road, with Dwyane Wade seeing his first game action since the end of last season...Let's just do what we do...For the first time this year, without no further ado...
2) Just so we all know where we stand, just so we don't get it twisted, just so we are all straight up and down, just so we are all "Plumber" (keeping it real), let's start the season off on the right note:
3) Okay. That being said: Dwyane Wade looked like a guy tonight who didn't play in the preseason. 4-16, with 6 turnovers. I guess it is fair to point out that he didn't play in the preseason. And he and LeBron looked completely out-of-sync with each other all night - watched each other dribble the ball, ran odd-angle cuts, and missed each other with ill-conceived, ill-timed passes. And still, when Wade hit a step back 3 with under two minutes to go, followed by a James drive, Miami trailed by only 3 with 1:10 left, after being down 18 early. On the road. Against a team that led Game 7 of the Finals last year going into the fourth quarter. Did Miami play well? No, they were pitiful. But they were right there - almost pulled the robbery, as The Sitch would say. I think it will probably get better.
4) Is it too early to hate Chris Bosh? Yeah, it is a little too early to hate Chris Bosh. Forget the 3-11 shooting - it can happen. But it was frustrating that he didn't defend the rim - at all. He didn't stand up to Kevin Garnett - save one first quarter drive and dunk - at all. And worst, with the Heat down 8, with 2 minutes to go, after Garnett had wrenched something on a wrong-footed, awkward jump hook, and the Heat came down and missed a jumper that careened out to the corner, Garnett hobbled after it like, well, like his new teammate Jermaino, and Bosh kind of half-heartedly ran past KG, reached down tentatively, and softly fumbled the ball and tripped out of bounds. Hey, ET-Head: get down on the damn floor and make a play! Jesus - not a good first night for Christopher.
5) The Heat had 9 points in the first quarter. Nine. That's not good. Just want it on the record, so when we look back at this later in the year, we can be, like, "Oh - we got better."
6) Okay, okay, okay - it's all okay, it's just one game, let's not let it get us down. Don't even trip. Let's move on to more important stuff...Read an inspiring news article online last week. Okay, I didn’t read it, but I did read the headline. It claimed that Clarence Thomas’ wife is now demanding an apology from Anita Hill for accusing Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment back in 1972, or whenever that case was. A long time ago, let’s just say. First: Clarence Thomas is married? Ewwww, creepy! White woman? Would have to be, wouldn’t it? Second: Anita Hill, apparently, refused to give the apology. Not only do I applaud her, but I am inspired by her. I would like to take this time to announce that I am not going to apologize for the 1992 incident in which my girlfriend at the time – let’s just her “J” – and I got into a big fight outside my parents’ house in Connecticut. J was late returning to pick me up – I don’t know what I was late for, but I am sure it was super-important – because she had been out picking up a pair of my shoes that I needed shined for a wedding that we were attending that evening. By the way: her friends’ wedding; not my friends. For some reason, I was outside when she got back, and as soon as she got out of the car we got into a big argument. Because, you know, I have always valued punctuality above all other virtues. Also, when a woman does you wrong like she was doing me, you have to tell her what’s what. So we were walking from the driveway to the back door – I didn’t grow up in a fancy house where the garage is connected to the house – still arguing, and she hands me the shoe box. She was claiming I was overreacting, but clearly I wasn’t, obviously, but because she said that, that made me get even angrier, and I suddenly hurled the shoe box as hard as I could in the direction of the house, and, believe me, I am a pretty good thrower. So shoes and box tops, etc, go flying everywhere in to the yard, and she is stunned, and I am feeling great, because I feel like I have finally made my point clear. We go inside, and after a little while, we both calmed down, and agreed to reconcile, and go to the wedding. So I go back out on to the lawn to get my shoes, and in picking them up, I realized she had put something else in the box with my shoes: Lenny Kravitz’ cd “Are You Gonna Go My Way.” And I felt bad – she knew that I loved his previous album, “Mama Said,” and she had tried to make me happy. It was especially thoughtful because she didn’t really like music at all – if I had to booty-booty her one more time while listening to her stupid, fake-hipster, white-bread Edie Brickell cd, it might have thrown me off of booty altogether…So, at the time, while I did thank her for the cd, I didn’t apologize for throwing it, along with the shoes. Why? Because I’m a man, and I did what I had to do..And reading the Anita Hill article the other day, it inspired me to still not apologize for that incident. You know why? Because “Are You Gonna Go My Way” sucked, and it was the beginning of the end for Lenny Kravitz. He never made an album anywhere near as good as “Mama Said” again. And by the way – guess what “Mama Said” is all about? That’s right – pain from bad relationships. Exactly- thought so. I still don’t apologize…
Right back at it tomorrow night in Philly - got to get rid of this funky stench. See u then...
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1) Well, we didn't win the championship yet..Let's not turn this into a referendum (M.Minutos' word - I am not sure what it means) on the team. It really is just one game, against a good team, on the road, with Dwyane Wade seeing his first game action since the end of last season...Let's just do what we do...For the first time this year, without no further ado...
2) Just so we all know where we stand, just so we don't get it twisted, just so we are all straight up and down, just so we are all "Plumber" (keeping it real), let's start the season off on the right note:
3) Okay. That being said: Dwyane Wade looked like a guy tonight who didn't play in the preseason. 4-16, with 6 turnovers. I guess it is fair to point out that he didn't play in the preseason. And he and LeBron looked completely out-of-sync with each other all night - watched each other dribble the ball, ran odd-angle cuts, and missed each other with ill-conceived, ill-timed passes. And still, when Wade hit a step back 3 with under two minutes to go, followed by a James drive, Miami trailed by only 3 with 1:10 left, after being down 18 early. On the road. Against a team that led Game 7 of the Finals last year going into the fourth quarter. Did Miami play well? No, they were pitiful. But they were right there - almost pulled the robbery, as The Sitch would say. I think it will probably get better.
4) Is it too early to hate Chris Bosh? Yeah, it is a little too early to hate Chris Bosh. Forget the 3-11 shooting - it can happen. But it was frustrating that he didn't defend the rim - at all. He didn't stand up to Kevin Garnett - save one first quarter drive and dunk - at all. And worst, with the Heat down 8, with 2 minutes to go, after Garnett had wrenched something on a wrong-footed, awkward jump hook, and the Heat came down and missed a jumper that careened out to the corner, Garnett hobbled after it like, well, like his new teammate Jermaino, and Bosh kind of half-heartedly ran past KG, reached down tentatively, and softly fumbled the ball and tripped out of bounds. Hey, ET-Head: get down on the damn floor and make a play! Jesus - not a good first night for Christopher.
5) The Heat had 9 points in the first quarter. Nine. That's not good. Just want it on the record, so when we look back at this later in the year, we can be, like, "Oh - we got better."
6) Okay, okay, okay - it's all okay, it's just one game, let's not let it get us down. Don't even trip. Let's move on to more important stuff...Read an inspiring news article online last week. Okay, I didn’t read it, but I did read the headline. It claimed that Clarence Thomas’ wife is now demanding an apology from Anita Hill for accusing Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment back in 1972, or whenever that case was. A long time ago, let’s just say. First: Clarence Thomas is married? Ewwww, creepy! White woman? Would have to be, wouldn’t it? Second: Anita Hill, apparently, refused to give the apology. Not only do I applaud her, but I am inspired by her. I would like to take this time to announce that I am not going to apologize for the 1992 incident in which my girlfriend at the time – let’s just her “J” – and I got into a big fight outside my parents’ house in Connecticut. J was late returning to pick me up – I don’t know what I was late for, but I am sure it was super-important – because she had been out picking up a pair of my shoes that I needed shined for a wedding that we were attending that evening. By the way: her friends’ wedding; not my friends. For some reason, I was outside when she got back, and as soon as she got out of the car we got into a big argument. Because, you know, I have always valued punctuality above all other virtues. Also, when a woman does you wrong like she was doing me, you have to tell her what’s what. So we were walking from the driveway to the back door – I didn’t grow up in a fancy house where the garage is connected to the house – still arguing, and she hands me the shoe box. She was claiming I was overreacting, but clearly I wasn’t, obviously, but because she said that, that made me get even angrier, and I suddenly hurled the shoe box as hard as I could in the direction of the house, and, believe me, I am a pretty good thrower. So shoes and box tops, etc, go flying everywhere in to the yard, and she is stunned, and I am feeling great, because I feel like I have finally made my point clear. We go inside, and after a little while, we both calmed down, and agreed to reconcile, and go to the wedding. So I go back out on to the lawn to get my shoes, and in picking them up, I realized she had put something else in the box with my shoes: Lenny Kravitz’ cd “Are You Gonna Go My Way.” And I felt bad – she knew that I loved his previous album, “Mama Said,” and she had tried to make me happy. It was especially thoughtful because she didn’t really like music at all – if I had to booty-booty her one more time while listening to her stupid, fake-hipster, white-bread Edie Brickell cd, it might have thrown me off of booty altogether…So, at the time, while I did thank her for the cd, I didn’t apologize for throwing it, along with the shoes. Why? Because I’m a man, and I did what I had to do..And reading the Anita Hill article the other day, it inspired me to still not apologize for that incident. You know why? Because “Are You Gonna Go My Way” sucked, and it was the beginning of the end for Lenny Kravitz. He never made an album anywhere near as good as “Mama Said” again. And by the way – guess what “Mama Said” is all about? That’s right – pain from bad relationships. Exactly- thought so. I still don’t apologize…
Right back at it tomorrow night in Philly - got to get rid of this funky stench. See u then...
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Season Preview!!! (sort of)
I told those guys not to fuck around down in that mine…Anyways, so someone last week was like, "Hey, where have you been, you promised you were going to write weekly posts until the season started,” and I was, like, “Hey, I was down at a wedding in Key West attended by some Dos Minutos readers that I actually like – oh, sorry you weren’t invited…” I know - you're feeling pretty bad now. Get this: tonight, I had dinner with another Dos Minutos reader, and our favorite international friend, Scott from Scotland. And you weren't invited again...But you know what? Let's squash all that nonsense. The season starts next Tuesday – it is almost time to do this. Got to get our minds right, get our acts together, feel this! Therefore, without no further ado, here are our first six thoughts of the year - with a "special announcement/tribute to Plumber" down in #6:
6 Thoughts
1)What is up with all the injuries? Wade strained his hamstring, like, three seconds into the preseason. Emcee Chalmers has nursed a bad ankle all training camp. Eddie House has been out all training camp. LeBron missed a couple of games with a tight hamstring of his own – I think he’s okay now, since he scored 33 points in, like, 9 minutes last night. But now Mike Miller sprained his ankle. It’s a little frustrating. Does it matter? Probably not. Maybe they start a little slower, win a couple less games – as long as they are healthy come spring, it won’t matter at all. But it is annoying.
2) Plumber raises a good question: “Why don’t you watch preseason games?” Answer: “Because they are incredibly boring.”
3) Okay, a lot of people have asked where our ‘Season Preview’ is. Last year, we had a bunch of different Dos readers offer up opinions on the season – this year, we are skipping that, and not only because most of their opinions were more accurate than mine. With the LeBron hoopla and whatnot, there doesn’t even feel like there has been an off-season this year – it’s just been constant basketball, and a nationwide ‘Season Preview’ has been perpetually in progress for the past four months. I mean, ESPN.com now has an entire section of their NBA page dedicated only to the Heat. For those keeping score at home: that’s one section for the Heat, and one section for the other 29 teams combined. I don’t think the world needs another comprehensive season preview about Miami . They have Wade, LeBron, and Bosh – they are probably pretty good. Here is our very abbreviated season analysis:
East playoff teams, in order of finish: Miami, Orlando, Boston , Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Charlotte, and New York .
By the way, Charlotte and New York are both pretty terrible, but so is everybody else in the conference. I am going with those two because Charlotte defends hard every night, and New York has Amare Stoudamire, who, according to him, discovered and embraced his Hebrew roots this summer, which is always a huge plus in my book. Miami wins the East, plays the Lakers in the Finals. Lakers are the biggest and most physical team, and reigning back-to-back champs; Heat are the most skilled team. I am going Heat in 6 – you know hard it is to win three titles in a row?
That was easy – why does ESPN need a whole section to do that?
4) Just in from the northern-most Dos Minutos office, located in Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota: The Beas Report! 6 preseason games, 21 minutes a game, 13.5 points on 41% shooting, 3.5 rebounds. Ehhhh. Wait – there is more: 4 assists, total, and 22 turnovers! Twenty-two turnovers! That has to be a misprint, right? What in the hell is he doing? That is unconscious – what is he, high?...Okay, don’t answer that...
5) Speaking of high, someone wrote in to ask if we are going to mention the arrest and subsequent dismissal of the drug possession charges of #1 all-time favorite Dos player Udonis Haslem over the summer. Mentioned…Case was dismissed, what’s your problem, Dude-Who-Asked-That-Question? The sticky wasn’t his, it was his passenger’s. Man - who would have believed the po-lice would have fucked that up? Incroyable!...By the way, no verification yet on whether the passenger was or was not Miami-area (specifically US1 in Coral Gables) rapper Dirt Bomb. Listen – just don’t start my season by getting on Udonis’ case. I’ll shut this dumb blog down…
6) Okay, "big announcement/tribute to Plumber:" We will be watching this season in Casa Dos on a new tv! Longtime readers of Dos Minutos may remember the early fall week in 2006, later known as The Week Dos Came Closest to Getting Divorced (second place: every other week of my marriage). To briefly recap for newer readers: M.Minutos was jonesing a new flat panel tv to replace our archaic 6,500 pound full tube set. I believe it was a Trinitron. The expenditure was approved through appropriate channels, conditional upon the new picture being equal to, or better than, the old tv. Throughout the course of the week, M.Minutos shuttled somewhere between four and eleven flat panel televisions in and out of Casa Dos, each one swiftly and summarily rejected (generally in about 90 seconds) by Dos as possessing inferior picture quality to our existing television. By the way, before you get all, "Oh, that's so rude that M.Minutos had to be the one going back and forth to Best Buy," let me point out two things: one, she wanted the new tv; two, it is only about three miles from our house to Best Buy, so she wasn't even driving that far...In the end, we kept the old tv…Flash forward to a month ago, when said existing tv finally expired. Good friend of the blog Plumber had recently purchased a new tv of his own. Plumber is many things, but one strength he consistently demonstrates is a rational, detailed, and methodical approach to solving problems. For his own purchase, he assured me, he had done all the research, learned everything there was to know about the current batch of televisions, and selected a giant 60, or 70, or 80 inch – I forget exactly what – plasma tv for his new family room. Based on his research, and his analysis of my viewing habits and area, he recommended a slightly smaller plasma tv for me. He assured me that plasma was the best technology for sports, action movies, and Lifetime Network’s smash hit Gay, Straight, or Single. One thing I knew: if Plumber recommended it for me, I could rest assured that he was right. So what did I do? Went right out and bought a large LCD tv! Why? Just to be contrary! Why else? That tv only lasted one night, though – plugged it in, and watched an episode of the outstanding George Lopez Show (the sitcom, not the talk show which, obviously, stinks). The LCD picture was so vivid that Lopez actually looked like he was standing in the Casa family room; however, when he suddenly strode across his kitchen in one scene, probably to smack his annoying, whiny teenage daughter, his giant head left an electronic trail the approximate size of the Grand Canyon on my tv screen. With M.Minutos suddenly suffering severe ’06 flashbacks, the tv was instantly declared unsuitable for watching. Desperate, with nowhere to turn, I had to seize on Plumber’s advice and buy a plasma, which I did the subsequent night…So – kudos to you, Plumber, you were right. Since we are entering Nets season, it is unlikely I will be able to say those words to you again until late May…By the way, the new plasma was instantly good, and got even better when M.Minutos suddenly realized that to maximize viewing pleasure, you actually have to watch the separate channels designated for HD…ohhhhhhhh – much better!...This story may not have been funny, but for those of you wondering how life is in Casa Dos – that’s how it is!
See you on Tuesday night for the season opener!!!
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6 Thoughts
1)What is up with all the injuries? Wade strained his hamstring, like, three seconds into the preseason. Emcee Chalmers has nursed a bad ankle all training camp. Eddie House has been out all training camp. LeBron missed a couple of games with a tight hamstring of his own – I think he’s okay now, since he scored 33 points in, like, 9 minutes last night. But now Mike Miller sprained his ankle. It’s a little frustrating. Does it matter? Probably not. Maybe they start a little slower, win a couple less games – as long as they are healthy come spring, it won’t matter at all. But it is annoying.
2) Plumber raises a good question: “Why don’t you watch preseason games?” Answer: “Because they are incredibly boring.”
3) Okay, a lot of people have asked where our ‘Season Preview’ is. Last year, we had a bunch of different Dos readers offer up opinions on the season – this year, we are skipping that, and not only because most of their opinions were more accurate than mine. With the LeBron hoopla and whatnot, there doesn’t even feel like there has been an off-season this year – it’s just been constant basketball, and a nationwide ‘Season Preview’ has been perpetually in progress for the past four months. I mean, ESPN.com now has an entire section of their NBA page dedicated only to the Heat. For those keeping score at home: that’s one section for the Heat, and one section for the other 29 teams combined. I don’t think the world needs another comprehensive season preview about Miami . They have Wade, LeBron, and Bosh – they are probably pretty good. Here is our very abbreviated season analysis:
East playoff teams, in order of finish: Miami, Orlando, Boston , Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Charlotte, and New York .
By the way, Charlotte and New York are both pretty terrible, but so is everybody else in the conference. I am going with those two because Charlotte defends hard every night, and New York has Amare Stoudamire, who, according to him, discovered and embraced his Hebrew roots this summer, which is always a huge plus in my book. Miami wins the East, plays the Lakers in the Finals. Lakers are the biggest and most physical team, and reigning back-to-back champs; Heat are the most skilled team. I am going Heat in 6 – you know hard it is to win three titles in a row?
That was easy – why does ESPN need a whole section to do that?
4) Just in from the northern-most Dos Minutos office, located in Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota: The Beas Report! 6 preseason games, 21 minutes a game, 13.5 points on 41% shooting, 3.5 rebounds. Ehhhh. Wait – there is more: 4 assists, total, and 22 turnovers! Twenty-two turnovers! That has to be a misprint, right? What in the hell is he doing? That is unconscious – what is he, high?...Okay, don’t answer that...
5) Speaking of high, someone wrote in to ask if we are going to mention the arrest and subsequent dismissal of the drug possession charges of #1 all-time favorite Dos player Udonis Haslem over the summer. Mentioned…Case was dismissed, what’s your problem, Dude-Who-Asked-That-Question? The sticky wasn’t his, it was his passenger’s. Man - who would have believed the po-lice would have fucked that up? Incroyable!...By the way, no verification yet on whether the passenger was or was not Miami-area (specifically US1 in Coral Gables) rapper Dirt Bomb. Listen – just don’t start my season by getting on Udonis’ case. I’ll shut this dumb blog down…
6) Okay, "big announcement/tribute to Plumber:" We will be watching this season in Casa Dos on a new tv! Longtime readers of Dos Minutos may remember the early fall week in 2006, later known as The Week Dos Came Closest to Getting Divorced (second place: every other week of my marriage). To briefly recap for newer readers: M.Minutos was jonesing a new flat panel tv to replace our archaic 6,500 pound full tube set. I believe it was a Trinitron. The expenditure was approved through appropriate channels, conditional upon the new picture being equal to, or better than, the old tv. Throughout the course of the week, M.Minutos shuttled somewhere between four and eleven flat panel televisions in and out of Casa Dos, each one swiftly and summarily rejected (generally in about 90 seconds) by Dos as possessing inferior picture quality to our existing television. By the way, before you get all, "Oh, that's so rude that M.Minutos had to be the one going back and forth to Best Buy," let me point out two things: one, she wanted the new tv; two, it is only about three miles from our house to Best Buy, so she wasn't even driving that far...In the end, we kept the old tv…Flash forward to a month ago, when said existing tv finally expired. Good friend of the blog Plumber had recently purchased a new tv of his own. Plumber is many things, but one strength he consistently demonstrates is a rational, detailed, and methodical approach to solving problems. For his own purchase, he assured me, he had done all the research, learned everything there was to know about the current batch of televisions, and selected a giant 60, or 70, or 80 inch – I forget exactly what – plasma tv for his new family room. Based on his research, and his analysis of my viewing habits and area, he recommended a slightly smaller plasma tv for me. He assured me that plasma was the best technology for sports, action movies, and Lifetime Network’s smash hit Gay, Straight, or Single. One thing I knew: if Plumber recommended it for me, I could rest assured that he was right. So what did I do? Went right out and bought a large LCD tv! Why? Just to be contrary! Why else? That tv only lasted one night, though – plugged it in, and watched an episode of the outstanding George Lopez Show (the sitcom, not the talk show which, obviously, stinks). The LCD picture was so vivid that Lopez actually looked like he was standing in the Casa family room; however, when he suddenly strode across his kitchen in one scene, probably to smack his annoying, whiny teenage daughter, his giant head left an electronic trail the approximate size of the Grand Canyon on my tv screen. With M.Minutos suddenly suffering severe ’06 flashbacks, the tv was instantly declared unsuitable for watching. Desperate, with nowhere to turn, I had to seize on Plumber’s advice and buy a plasma, which I did the subsequent night…So – kudos to you, Plumber, you were right. Since we are entering Nets season, it is unlikely I will be able to say those words to you again until late May…By the way, the new plasma was instantly good, and got even better when M.Minutos suddenly realized that to maximize viewing pleasure, you actually have to watch the separate channels designated for HD…ohhhhhhhh – much better!...This story may not have been funny, but for those of you wondering how life is in Casa Dos – that’s how it is!
See you on Tuesday night for the season opener!!!
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Summer Review, pt. 2
Okay, training camp has started, and exhibition games are right around the corner. Nothing is more boring than NBA training camps and exhibition games, so we are really just waiting for the games to start, but there is still some outstanding business to address. So let's, ummm, address some of it with a quick check-in...
Mike Beasley is gone, traded to Minnesota for a second round draft pick, in order to create the salary cap room that enabled Miami to sign Wade, Bosh, James, et al. Are you thrilled about that?
Hardly. As much as I did not enjoy watching him play the game of basketball, Mike was the most interesting kid we ever had on this team. He got in two bizarre drug-related incidents, including one where he hid in a closet, and another where he took a photo of himself doing drugs and posted it on Twitter (see the photo on the front page of this blog); during any post-game interview had the general demeanor of a mescaline-head; had the illest ink this side of Li'l Wayne; and played one game with an eight foot tall afro. And, believe me, that is a very abbreviated list...When you have to write eighty-two game blogs a year, a guy like Mike Beasley is a godsend. What am I going to make fun of now, Eddie House's headband and "developing" waistline? Mike - I love you, I will root for you. Keep it supercool, Jimmy Buckets!!!
What are we going to call LeBron James?
To be honest, I didn't really follow his career much until July, but from what I can tell, it seems like a lot of people called him either 'LBJ' or 'King James." I propose that we retire both of those as the intellectual property of Cleveland. For a long while this summer he sported a wicked awesome Amish beard (Troubled Black Dude Beard?), so we thought about calling him John Book, but he shaved it off for training camp. From all reports, he is looking lean, focused, and distributing the ball like a modern day Magic Johnson with hops. I say we keep it simple: "James." We call him "James."
What is one thing people forget about this team?
Chris Bosh demands a double-team in the mid-post. People forget that. You can't guard him with one guy. He has a sweet jumper, is arguably the quickest power forward in the league, and an excellent free throw shooter. I have seen him torch Udonis Haslem. Many times. And UD isn't a guy who gets torched a lot. Bosh isn't going to be the featured guy - obviously. But there will be plenty of times Wade or James, or both, will be on the bench, and Chris Bosh is a better third offensive option than anyone else's third offensive option.
What is another thing people forget about this team?
They were a pretty blah offensive team last year - but they won 47 games because they were a top 5 defensive team, statistically. And they had some limited - lim. it. ted. - guys athletically (I love you Jermaino). Exit The Pres Quentin Richardson (RIP Pres), who was solid defensively but limited by his size and athleticism, and enter James, the best defensive small forward in the league. Exit the short, slow, and somewhat addled Mike Beasley, and enter Chris Bosh, who is quicker, longer, and smarter than Mike. Already you are better defensively. Now factor in that Wade, James, and Bosh can expend less energy at the offensive end than they have ever had to before. Now realize that the franchise's culture is all about getting stops - Wade has referred to it repeatedly during training camp ("I think we'll be okay offensively - but the one thing I know is that we will be good defensively")...In a big game, in a big spot, this isn't going to be a fun team to try to score on...
What is your favorite new tv show?
Well, of course, it's the new smash hit on Bravo, "Gay, Straight, or Taken." Basic premise: a young, single woman ranging anywhere from "reasonably good-looking" to "very attractive," meets three guys ranging anywhere from "super gay" to "the gayest human being ever to walk on the planet Earth." She goes on a series of contrived tv dates with each one: "I really think I will be able to learn a lot about him from this archery lesson..." Then, she has to try to guess which one is gay, which one is straight and available, and which one is already taken. If she guesses correctly, she and the single straight guy go on a dream vacation, which is probably to, like, Cozumel. If she guesses incorrectly, the person that she incorrectly picked gets to go on the vacation with his partner. It is incredibly challenging to figure out who the straight available guy is because the dates are so short and fake, because the show is obviously heavily edited, and because, as I said, there has never been one guy on the show whom you would even consider for a moment is not gay...We actually got a complaint lately that we write too much about gay things, and that might mean I am gay - look, if you meant that as an insult, I don't know what to tell you...This is the greatest show currently on tv, maybe of all-time, and I don't care if they are gay, if I am gay, if you are gay - all I know is that as soon as I post this blog entry, I am going right over to the new tv to watch some of the sixty-five episodes I've got saved up on the dvr...
We've got about three weeks left until the season starts. We'll check in a couple of times before then with a more formal season preview (perhaps), and The Summer of 2010 Television Saga (for certain). Until then, don't front...
Mike Beasley is gone, traded to Minnesota for a second round draft pick, in order to create the salary cap room that enabled Miami to sign Wade, Bosh, James, et al. Are you thrilled about that?
Hardly. As much as I did not enjoy watching him play the game of basketball, Mike was the most interesting kid we ever had on this team. He got in two bizarre drug-related incidents, including one where he hid in a closet, and another where he took a photo of himself doing drugs and posted it on Twitter (see the photo on the front page of this blog); during any post-game interview had the general demeanor of a mescaline-head; had the illest ink this side of Li'l Wayne; and played one game with an eight foot tall afro. And, believe me, that is a very abbreviated list...When you have to write eighty-two game blogs a year, a guy like Mike Beasley is a godsend. What am I going to make fun of now, Eddie House's headband and "developing" waistline? Mike - I love you, I will root for you. Keep it supercool, Jimmy Buckets!!!
What are we going to call LeBron James?
To be honest, I didn't really follow his career much until July, but from what I can tell, it seems like a lot of people called him either 'LBJ' or 'King James." I propose that we retire both of those as the intellectual property of Cleveland. For a long while this summer he sported a wicked awesome Amish beard (Troubled Black Dude Beard?), so we thought about calling him John Book, but he shaved it off for training camp. From all reports, he is looking lean, focused, and distributing the ball like a modern day Magic Johnson with hops. I say we keep it simple: "James." We call him "James."
What is one thing people forget about this team?
Chris Bosh demands a double-team in the mid-post. People forget that. You can't guard him with one guy. He has a sweet jumper, is arguably the quickest power forward in the league, and an excellent free throw shooter. I have seen him torch Udonis Haslem. Many times. And UD isn't a guy who gets torched a lot. Bosh isn't going to be the featured guy - obviously. But there will be plenty of times Wade or James, or both, will be on the bench, and Chris Bosh is a better third offensive option than anyone else's third offensive option.
What is another thing people forget about this team?
They were a pretty blah offensive team last year - but they won 47 games because they were a top 5 defensive team, statistically. And they had some limited - lim. it. ted. - guys athletically (I love you Jermaino). Exit The Pres Quentin Richardson (RIP Pres), who was solid defensively but limited by his size and athleticism, and enter James, the best defensive small forward in the league. Exit the short, slow, and somewhat addled Mike Beasley, and enter Chris Bosh, who is quicker, longer, and smarter than Mike. Already you are better defensively. Now factor in that Wade, James, and Bosh can expend less energy at the offensive end than they have ever had to before. Now realize that the franchise's culture is all about getting stops - Wade has referred to it repeatedly during training camp ("I think we'll be okay offensively - but the one thing I know is that we will be good defensively")...In a big game, in a big spot, this isn't going to be a fun team to try to score on...
What is your favorite new tv show?
Well, of course, it's the new smash hit on Bravo, "Gay, Straight, or Taken." Basic premise: a young, single woman ranging anywhere from "reasonably good-looking" to "very attractive," meets three guys ranging anywhere from "super gay" to "the gayest human being ever to walk on the planet Earth." She goes on a series of contrived tv dates with each one: "I really think I will be able to learn a lot about him from this archery lesson..." Then, she has to try to guess which one is gay, which one is straight and available, and which one is already taken. If she guesses correctly, she and the single straight guy go on a dream vacation, which is probably to, like, Cozumel. If she guesses incorrectly, the person that she incorrectly picked gets to go on the vacation with his partner. It is incredibly challenging to figure out who the straight available guy is because the dates are so short and fake, because the show is obviously heavily edited, and because, as I said, there has never been one guy on the show whom you would even consider for a moment is not gay...We actually got a complaint lately that we write too much about gay things, and that might mean I am gay - look, if you meant that as an insult, I don't know what to tell you...This is the greatest show currently on tv, maybe of all-time, and I don't care if they are gay, if I am gay, if you are gay - all I know is that as soon as I post this blog entry, I am going right over to the new tv to watch some of the sixty-five episodes I've got saved up on the dvr...
We've got about three weeks left until the season starts. We'll check in a couple of times before then with a more formal season preview (perhaps), and The Summer of 2010 Television Saga (for certain). Until then, don't front...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Summer Review, pt. I
What is up? We're back. We took the summer off. A lot happened. Most people were like, "How can you not write about what happened this summer?" My usual answer: "I don't know."
But that's all over now. The events of the off-season have sunk in - we are ready to have our say. We saved up a lot of questions that we received over the summer, and we are ready to answer them now. Training camp starts in two weeks, and the season starts at the end of October. So we are going to start easing our way back with weekly posts until the games start - it takes a lot of practice to make the blog as retarded as it is, game after game. So without no further ado, let's do what we do:
"Heading in to free agency, you claimed you didn't want LeBron on the Heat - I believe the exact line was, 'He is not welcome here.' So, are you mad he is on the team now?"
Look, if you don't know about the power of the reverse-jinx, I don't know what to tell you. What do you want me to do, say how much I want LeBron on the team, thereby sealing his delivery to Chicago, or back to Cleveland? Yeah - that would have been smart. The rumor for two days before LeBron's well-received televised announcement was that Miami had him on lock - I shrugged it off, and continued to insist that was utterly impossible, and unappealing. Went to the gym the night of the announcement, and I remember running on the treadmill (super-fast, by the way), timing my run so I would be home just in time for the start of the show, and I briefly allowed myself to think: "Jesus - what if he does come here?" A while later, as soon as I heard him say the words "South Beach," I immediately tackled O. and P. Minutos on the couch, rolling around screaming, "I did it! I really did it! I reverse-jinxed him here!" And I did. Remember this as a primer for what to do the next time you really want something...
"You virtually guaranteed that for financial reasons, Dwyane Wade really didn't have the option to leave Miami over the summer. So you weren't surprised when he came back, right?"
Not at all. But what I was shocked about was that my premise was completely wrong. I thought that Dwyane spent so much money on a messy divorce, a bunch of troubled business dealings, and private planes for Gabrielle Union's visits to Miami, that he had to ensure that he got a max-length and max-dollar contract, which could only happen in Miami. And then what did he do? Convinced Bosh and LeBron to give up 15 million dollars or so each, and then gave up even more than that himself, in order to be able to get all three in Miami, re-sign his boy Udonis Haslem, and LeBron's boy Mike Miller. Dwyane always struck me as a kid with a healthy, healthy ego - now he is the third highest paid player on his own team. But, almost impossibly, he is a bigger hero in Miami than he was before free agency. Everyone has already said it - but no one came out of this summer looking better than Dwyane Wade.
"Are you happy Udonis is back?"
I still have an erection.
"What were the three gayest things you did this summer?"
This, obviously, was the best question I received. Here you go:
1) Downloaded Drake's album, and put it in to heavy rotation on my ipod. Happened late in the summer, but, still, a clear-cut choice for number one on this list.
2) Okay, this one requires more explanation so you can understand just how gay it is. When the Heat signed Mike Miller - for those who don't know much about basketball, Mike Miller is a 6'7" white guy from one of the Dakotas who played at the University of Florida; is an unlikely close friend of Udonis Haslem and LeBron James; is one of the best shooters on the planet; rebounds very well for a small forward, and especially a small forward who is white; and turned down like an extra 10-12 million himself to come play for Miami - when the Heat signed him after getting Wade, Bosh, and James, I decided that I was going to approach my own summer-time workouts as if I were Mike Miller getting ready for this season with the Heat. So you might think to yourself, "Oh, he means he stepped up the intensity, imagining that he is going to be playing against the Lakers in the Finals and has to have his legs and balance in top shape for that one late shot in LA when Wade drives and kicks to him standing alone on the perimeter with the title on the line"...and you would be right. But it went way, way beyond that - I tried to imagine how Mike Miller might approach a certain drill ("probably likes a wider than normal stance on these leg presses"). I tried to imagine what Mike Miller might listen to on his ipod during a workout (my brother, A. Minutos, said clearly it would be Eminem's theme from 8 Mile over and over). After a good set of curls, I would pound my chest, and imagine Chris Bosh and Emcee Chalmers giving me dap on the way back to the bench after a big three caused the other team to call time out. I did draw the line at wearing a bandanna during my workouts, as I imagine Mike Miller does. But, still, that was a small, small concession to non-gayness. On the plus side - I am in great shape for an aging white dude. On the negative side - I was so busy lifting weights and doing cardio while pretending I was Mike Miller that I didn't get much shooting in, so if anyone does pass me the ball, my triple probably isn't going to go down.
3) I - happily - joined in a circle jerk with Wade, James, and Bosh. This was at the suggestion of my friend, and angry-at-LeBron-former-Cavalier-fan D. In retrospect, this maybe should be closer to the top of the list...
"Do you think Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman?"
First of all, I apologize to my friend Ring because he didn't actually ask this in the form of a question. It was more like he straight-up said that Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman, and to remember where I heard it first, and that I would have to eat my words making fun of him and Joel before the season was out...First of all, Ring is Canadian; Joel is Canadian - so that may be a factor. Second of all, Ring thinks I hate Joel just because I have been pointing out for years how unusual it is to have a 6'9" black Canadian who naturally secretes butter out of his appendage pores playing on your professional basketball team. I love Joel, and I think he is going to start at center, block a bunch shots, grab a few rebounds only to have them inexplicably squirt out of his hands skywards with no discernible movement on his part, and then watch from the bench as Udonis Haslem finishes games in his place...It's all good...I do admit, though, when I heard that Joel was the "go-to guy" for the Canadian national team this summer at the World Championships in Turkey, I didn't believe it unless by "go-to" they meant the guy you "go-to" to have him brush butter on your waffle with his hands before you put syrup on it. But, when they lost to Lebanon - Lebanon - during the tournament, yes, then I believed it.
We'll be back next week with more summer in review, including a tribute to the late, great Michael Beasley; and a definitive ruling on what nickname to use to refer to LeBron James this season. Until then, don't even trip...
-----
But that's all over now. The events of the off-season have sunk in - we are ready to have our say. We saved up a lot of questions that we received over the summer, and we are ready to answer them now. Training camp starts in two weeks, and the season starts at the end of October. So we are going to start easing our way back with weekly posts until the games start - it takes a lot of practice to make the blog as retarded as it is, game after game. So without no further ado, let's do what we do:
"Heading in to free agency, you claimed you didn't want LeBron on the Heat - I believe the exact line was, 'He is not welcome here.' So, are you mad he is on the team now?"
Look, if you don't know about the power of the reverse-jinx, I don't know what to tell you. What do you want me to do, say how much I want LeBron on the team, thereby sealing his delivery to Chicago, or back to Cleveland? Yeah - that would have been smart. The rumor for two days before LeBron's well-received televised announcement was that Miami had him on lock - I shrugged it off, and continued to insist that was utterly impossible, and unappealing. Went to the gym the night of the announcement, and I remember running on the treadmill (super-fast, by the way), timing my run so I would be home just in time for the start of the show, and I briefly allowed myself to think: "Jesus - what if he does come here?" A while later, as soon as I heard him say the words "South Beach," I immediately tackled O. and P. Minutos on the couch, rolling around screaming, "I did it! I really did it! I reverse-jinxed him here!" And I did. Remember this as a primer for what to do the next time you really want something...
"You virtually guaranteed that for financial reasons, Dwyane Wade really didn't have the option to leave Miami over the summer. So you weren't surprised when he came back, right?"
Not at all. But what I was shocked about was that my premise was completely wrong. I thought that Dwyane spent so much money on a messy divorce, a bunch of troubled business dealings, and private planes for Gabrielle Union's visits to Miami, that he had to ensure that he got a max-length and max-dollar contract, which could only happen in Miami. And then what did he do? Convinced Bosh and LeBron to give up 15 million dollars or so each, and then gave up even more than that himself, in order to be able to get all three in Miami, re-sign his boy Udonis Haslem, and LeBron's boy Mike Miller. Dwyane always struck me as a kid with a healthy, healthy ego - now he is the third highest paid player on his own team. But, almost impossibly, he is a bigger hero in Miami than he was before free agency. Everyone has already said it - but no one came out of this summer looking better than Dwyane Wade.
"Are you happy Udonis is back?"
I still have an erection.
"What were the three gayest things you did this summer?"
This, obviously, was the best question I received. Here you go:
1) Downloaded Drake's album, and put it in to heavy rotation on my ipod. Happened late in the summer, but, still, a clear-cut choice for number one on this list.
2) Okay, this one requires more explanation so you can understand just how gay it is. When the Heat signed Mike Miller - for those who don't know much about basketball, Mike Miller is a 6'7" white guy from one of the Dakotas who played at the University of Florida; is an unlikely close friend of Udonis Haslem and LeBron James; is one of the best shooters on the planet; rebounds very well for a small forward, and especially a small forward who is white; and turned down like an extra 10-12 million himself to come play for Miami - when the Heat signed him after getting Wade, Bosh, and James, I decided that I was going to approach my own summer-time workouts as if I were Mike Miller getting ready for this season with the Heat. So you might think to yourself, "Oh, he means he stepped up the intensity, imagining that he is going to be playing against the Lakers in the Finals and has to have his legs and balance in top shape for that one late shot in LA when Wade drives and kicks to him standing alone on the perimeter with the title on the line"...and you would be right. But it went way, way beyond that - I tried to imagine how Mike Miller might approach a certain drill ("probably likes a wider than normal stance on these leg presses"). I tried to imagine what Mike Miller might listen to on his ipod during a workout (my brother, A. Minutos, said clearly it would be Eminem's theme from 8 Mile over and over). After a good set of curls, I would pound my chest, and imagine Chris Bosh and Emcee Chalmers giving me dap on the way back to the bench after a big three caused the other team to call time out. I did draw the line at wearing a bandanna during my workouts, as I imagine Mike Miller does. But, still, that was a small, small concession to non-gayness. On the plus side - I am in great shape for an aging white dude. On the negative side - I was so busy lifting weights and doing cardio while pretending I was Mike Miller that I didn't get much shooting in, so if anyone does pass me the ball, my triple probably isn't going to go down.
3) I - happily - joined in a circle jerk with Wade, James, and Bosh. This was at the suggestion of my friend, and angry-at-LeBron-former-Cavalier-fan D. In retrospect, this maybe should be closer to the top of the list...
"Do you think Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman?"
First of all, I apologize to my friend Ring because he didn't actually ask this in the form of a question. It was more like he straight-up said that Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman, and to remember where I heard it first, and that I would have to eat my words making fun of him and Joel before the season was out...First of all, Ring is Canadian; Joel is Canadian - so that may be a factor. Second of all, Ring thinks I hate Joel just because I have been pointing out for years how unusual it is to have a 6'9" black Canadian who naturally secretes butter out of his appendage pores playing on your professional basketball team. I love Joel, and I think he is going to start at center, block a bunch shots, grab a few rebounds only to have them inexplicably squirt out of his hands skywards with no discernible movement on his part, and then watch from the bench as Udonis Haslem finishes games in his place...It's all good...I do admit, though, when I heard that Joel was the "go-to guy" for the Canadian national team this summer at the World Championships in Turkey, I didn't believe it unless by "go-to" they meant the guy you "go-to" to have him brush butter on your waffle with his hands before you put syrup on it. But, when they lost to Lebanon - Lebanon - during the tournament, yes, then I believed it.
We'll be back next week with more summer in review, including a tribute to the late, great Michael Beasley; and a definitive ruling on what nickname to use to refer to LeBron James this season. Until then, don't even trip...
-----
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Dos Minutos Summer Update, pt. 1
Dos Minutos Summer Update, pt. 1
Hey, what is up, people? I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far. To all the people who continue to email us even though the season is over - thanks, except for the ones telling us that we should make posts during the summer. This is our off-season - eighty-two dumb posts over a six month span wasn't enough? Trying to rest up, re-charge the batteries, so we can come back for a new season of inanity in the fall. We ARE watching the playoffs, though, for those who have asked. They have been awesome so far – we picked the Celtics in 7.
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
Hey, what is up, people? I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far. To all the people who continue to email us even though the season is over - thanks, except for the ones telling us that we should make posts during the summer. This is our off-season - eighty-two dumb posts over a six month span wasn't enough? Trying to rest up, re-charge the batteries, so we can come back for a new season of inanity in the fall. We ARE watching the playoffs, though, for those who have asked. They have been awesome so far – we picked the Celtics in 7.
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dos Minutos Summer Update, pt. 1
Hey, what is up, people? I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far. To all the people who continue to email us even though the season is over - thanks, except for the ones telling us that we should make posts during the summer. This is our off-season - eighty-two dumb posts over a six month span wasn't enough? Trying to rest up, re-charge the batteries, so we can come back for a new season of inanity in the fall. We ARE watching the playoffs, though, for those who have asked. They have been awesome so far – we picked the Celtics in 7.
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
-----
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
-----
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Celtics 96 Heat 86 - Celtics win series 4-1
6 Thoughts
1) Well, that will do it. Miami played tough, showed grit, got down 21 in the third quarter and battled back to within 3 in the fourth quarter, but in the end the Celtics were a better team than Miami. Bigger, stronger, more good players. It's been a long, long season. Let's do what we do one last time...
2) Okay, we don't want to be all weepy, but we have to say it one more time for two guys. Dwyane Wade - he was great again, 31 points, 10 assists, and 8 rebounds. But he was just "normal great," not "mind-bendingly great," and in this series "normal great" was not enough. Don't know if Dwyane will be here next year, or somewhere else, but either way, he is almost certainly going to be playing with players who can give him more help than he received this year. He's got two, three more years at his peak, probably - it would be nice to see him get to make one more championship run. Always love Dwyane Wade, no matter where he is playing.
3) The other guy, of course, Udonis Haslem. If the Heat were like, "look, we could sign someone better and win more games, or we can re-sign Udonis and not be as good," I'm probably going for the "Udonis-not-as-good" option. As the season wound down, it has become clear to me that he is my favorite basketball player of all-time, for the reasons cited over and over in this blog. Beyond that, he's not just from Miami; he is Miami. We have Hispanic guys in Miami - that's one thing; we've got black dudes in Miami - that's UD; and we have white guys in Miami - mostly old Jews. I mean, that's just how we do it! And, by the way, it's the coolest city ever - partially because we have all different types of dudes. It's like this for UD, though: Dwyane Wade belongs to basketball fans everywhere; Udonis belongs to Miami. To see him come here in another team's uniform will be heartbreaking - I might have to skip that game. Frankly, it seems almost pointless to play a season if we don't have him. But I guess that's how life is. Doesn't seem fair, though...
4) Don't even want to be negative, but Mike Beasley didn't get to play in the second half. He earned his way off the court with a terrible first half with 2 points in 14 aimless minutes. Also, sported maybe the worst set of braids in the history of black people - a sort-of modified-Chris-Bosh-bunched-on-top-spilling-loose-in-back abomination. M.Minutos and I spent a good 8 minutes debating whether it was a mistake where he started to take the braids out, and then messed it up, and just had to leave it, or whether it was on purpose. In the end, I had to defer to her braiding expertise - she decided it was deliberate. If you are Coach Spo, and you get on the team bus for the ride to the arena, and you see that - you just have to shake your head. Not sure thinking up and executing that hairdo was a really focused use of time. If you were giving grades for the season, Mike probably earned a D-. I mean, he made it to all the games, he didn't get kicked off the team, so we should probably pass him. But if you gave him an F, it would be tough to argue. He is so passive - just hasn't learned to play with force - as M.Minutos pointed out, that's a problem, because the description is right there in the name of his position: he's a power forward...There have been a lot of rumors over the past week that Miami will try to trade Mike - hard - into someone else's cap space at the end of the season. That is, essentially just give him to another team - maybe even with a future first round pick as a sweetener - so they are not obligated to the 5 million he is due next season. If they do that, they will have the most salary cap room in the NBA this offseason - they would be able to sign Wade, two other maximum salary guys, and still have 6 million left over. Trading Mike and signing two max players isn't likely - but I guess it is worth a try. Hang in there, Mike. Try to get your mind right, hopefully with a fresh start somewhere new. I'll be rooting for you.
5) To end the season, we thought we would do some quick word associations with M.Minutos. By the way, we woke her up to do this. Some explanations in parentheses.
Jax: "Carlos Arroyo, rolling the 'r's'"
Eric Reid: "loyal" (freaky - same word flashed into my mind)
Tony Fiorentino: "Sacramento" (the one place he seems to despise)
Jermaine O'Neal: "number 7" (classic halftime piece early in the season when Jermaino explained that once, when he changed numbers, 'people' couldn't get used to him wearing a new number - in Casa Dos, earned the obligatory "and by 'people,' he means 'Jermaine O'Neal'" comment; a few days later, another Heat player, I forgot who, was explaining how weird it is when a guy changes numbers, and says, "like when Jermaine O'Neal changed numbers, I just couldn't get used to it;" Jermaino won't be back next year, and it was weird having him on the Heat for a season and a half - but he did what he could...Good luck, Jermaino!)
Quentin Richardson: "The Pres"
Coach Spoelstra: "he doesn't have any personality outside of the Heat" (by the way, M.Minutos meant that as a vague compliment, not a criticism at all)
Dorell Wright: "penis" (hey - he put it on the intra-net)
Joel Anthony: "natural butterfingers" (literally - literally - there have been hundreds of variations of this joke told in Casa Dos over the past two season: "that would have been a great pass, Dwyane, if you hadn't thrown it to a guy who naturally secretes butter out of his pores")
Mike Beasley: "the fro lives!" (Eric Reid's exclamation on a thunderous Mike Beasley follow-dunk during the one game this year he let the hair out - also the one game O. and P.Minutos attended this season)
Emcee Chalmers: "fouling"
Udonis Haslem: "Mr. Heat"
Dwyane Wade: "Flash"
6) No jokes, or long, gay signoffs. Basketball is huge in Casa Dos - we all love it. I mean, we all love it, if you completely exclude P.Minutos, who plays his own little league hoop games with the general intensity of an almost-6-year-old who could absolutely care less about organized sports of any kind. Or, Mike Beasley. But, besides that, everyone loves it. If you took the time to check this out once in a while, that kind of makes you family. But, like, don't come to my house without advance warning, or anything. Thanks to everyone who read, and especially everyone who took the time to write back at us. Always funny - and somewhat creepy - to realize quite a few people were reading this every game. May be back next year, may not. Don't know.
-----
Keep your minds right.
-----
1) Well, that will do it. Miami played tough, showed grit, got down 21 in the third quarter and battled back to within 3 in the fourth quarter, but in the end the Celtics were a better team than Miami. Bigger, stronger, more good players. It's been a long, long season. Let's do what we do one last time...
2) Okay, we don't want to be all weepy, but we have to say it one more time for two guys. Dwyane Wade - he was great again, 31 points, 10 assists, and 8 rebounds. But he was just "normal great," not "mind-bendingly great," and in this series "normal great" was not enough. Don't know if Dwyane will be here next year, or somewhere else, but either way, he is almost certainly going to be playing with players who can give him more help than he received this year. He's got two, three more years at his peak, probably - it would be nice to see him get to make one more championship run. Always love Dwyane Wade, no matter where he is playing.
3) The other guy, of course, Udonis Haslem. If the Heat were like, "look, we could sign someone better and win more games, or we can re-sign Udonis and not be as good," I'm probably going for the "Udonis-not-as-good" option. As the season wound down, it has become clear to me that he is my favorite basketball player of all-time, for the reasons cited over and over in this blog. Beyond that, he's not just from Miami; he is Miami. We have Hispanic guys in Miami - that's one thing; we've got black dudes in Miami - that's UD; and we have white guys in Miami - mostly old Jews. I mean, that's just how we do it! And, by the way, it's the coolest city ever - partially because we have all different types of dudes. It's like this for UD, though: Dwyane Wade belongs to basketball fans everywhere; Udonis belongs to Miami. To see him come here in another team's uniform will be heartbreaking - I might have to skip that game. Frankly, it seems almost pointless to play a season if we don't have him. But I guess that's how life is. Doesn't seem fair, though...
4) Don't even want to be negative, but Mike Beasley didn't get to play in the second half. He earned his way off the court with a terrible first half with 2 points in 14 aimless minutes. Also, sported maybe the worst set of braids in the history of black people - a sort-of modified-Chris-Bosh-bunched-on-top-spilling-loose-in-back abomination. M.Minutos and I spent a good 8 minutes debating whether it was a mistake where he started to take the braids out, and then messed it up, and just had to leave it, or whether it was on purpose. In the end, I had to defer to her braiding expertise - she decided it was deliberate. If you are Coach Spo, and you get on the team bus for the ride to the arena, and you see that - you just have to shake your head. Not sure thinking up and executing that hairdo was a really focused use of time. If you were giving grades for the season, Mike probably earned a D-. I mean, he made it to all the games, he didn't get kicked off the team, so we should probably pass him. But if you gave him an F, it would be tough to argue. He is so passive - just hasn't learned to play with force - as M.Minutos pointed out, that's a problem, because the description is right there in the name of his position: he's a power forward...There have been a lot of rumors over the past week that Miami will try to trade Mike - hard - into someone else's cap space at the end of the season. That is, essentially just give him to another team - maybe even with a future first round pick as a sweetener - so they are not obligated to the 5 million he is due next season. If they do that, they will have the most salary cap room in the NBA this offseason - they would be able to sign Wade, two other maximum salary guys, and still have 6 million left over. Trading Mike and signing two max players isn't likely - but I guess it is worth a try. Hang in there, Mike. Try to get your mind right, hopefully with a fresh start somewhere new. I'll be rooting for you.
5) To end the season, we thought we would do some quick word associations with M.Minutos. By the way, we woke her up to do this. Some explanations in parentheses.
Jax: "Carlos Arroyo, rolling the 'r's'"
Eric Reid: "loyal" (freaky - same word flashed into my mind)
Tony Fiorentino: "Sacramento" (the one place he seems to despise)
Jermaine O'Neal: "number 7" (classic halftime piece early in the season when Jermaino explained that once, when he changed numbers, 'people' couldn't get used to him wearing a new number - in Casa Dos, earned the obligatory "and by 'people,' he means 'Jermaine O'Neal'" comment; a few days later, another Heat player, I forgot who, was explaining how weird it is when a guy changes numbers, and says, "like when Jermaine O'Neal changed numbers, I just couldn't get used to it;" Jermaino won't be back next year, and it was weird having him on the Heat for a season and a half - but he did what he could...Good luck, Jermaino!)
Quentin Richardson: "The Pres"
Coach Spoelstra: "he doesn't have any personality outside of the Heat" (by the way, M.Minutos meant that as a vague compliment, not a criticism at all)
Dorell Wright: "penis" (hey - he put it on the intra-net)
Joel Anthony: "natural butterfingers" (literally - literally - there have been hundreds of variations of this joke told in Casa Dos over the past two season: "that would have been a great pass, Dwyane, if you hadn't thrown it to a guy who naturally secretes butter out of his pores")
Mike Beasley: "the fro lives!" (Eric Reid's exclamation on a thunderous Mike Beasley follow-dunk during the one game this year he let the hair out - also the one game O. and P.Minutos attended this season)
Emcee Chalmers: "fouling"
Udonis Haslem: "Mr. Heat"
Dwyane Wade: "Flash"
6) No jokes, or long, gay signoffs. Basketball is huge in Casa Dos - we all love it. I mean, we all love it, if you completely exclude P.Minutos, who plays his own little league hoop games with the general intensity of an almost-6-year-old who could absolutely care less about organized sports of any kind. Or, Mike Beasley. But, besides that, everyone loves it. If you took the time to check this out once in a while, that kind of makes you family. But, like, don't come to my house without advance warning, or anything. Thanks to everyone who read, and especially everyone who took the time to write back at us. Always funny - and somewhat creepy - to realize quite a few people were reading this every game. May be back next year, may not. Don't know.
-----
Keep your minds right.
-----
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Heat 101 Celtics 92 - Celtics lead 3-1
6 Thoughts
1) Whoops, have to push back those vacations plans a couple more nights. Does it really mean anything to win a game down 0-3? Not really, no. The Heat are still going to lose the series. But tell it to Dwyane Wade...
2)...because he was ridiculous. If this ends up being his last game ever in Miami, at least playing for the Heat, he went out with one of his best: 46 points on 16-24 from the floor, including 5-7 threes. Hit 3 threes in the first three minutes of the fourth quarter to turn a six point deficit into a Heat lead - it was jussssst about time to pack up the gym bags for the season, and he went bananas. In Casa Minutos, the gym bags had already been packed, and loaded on to the team bus, and I was taking a snooze in the back, back seat (you know, where the cool kids sit) - but when Wade made his fourth three of the quarter, and went past 40 points, even I got sucked back in - it would have been a shame to lose a game in which DWade played so well, and tried so hard, even when it didn't really, really matter. "I think they ought to try to re-sign this guy," ABC broadcaster Jeff Van Gundy chuckled during the Wade outburst, "I almost stormed the court myself after that last three."
3) It was almost certainly the last Heat game in Miami for The President, Quentin Richardson. Eventful first quarter for Q: 3 triples, 13 points, and one argument with his nemesis Paul Pierce. Pres finished with 20 for the game. Few guys on the short stint have been as popular in Miami as The Pres. Eric Murdoch had the famous "throat slit" during his one playoff run against the Knicks - that was good; Lamar Odom was solid in his year, but not lovable; the first Skip Alston run was fun - but Quentin probably surpassed them all. He came from nowhere to be a productive shooter and defender for this team, as well as a hype man for fellow Chicagoan Wade. At this time last year, it was more likely that Quentin Richardson would be out of the league right now than a starter on a 5th seed in the playoffs. When the Heat acquired him this offseason, no one believed in him - except me. We've had a good run together, you and I, QRich. I'll always love you.
4) The Heat are now 2-0 this season in games in which Mike Beasley is wandering around the basket area late in the fourth quarter and an airball happens to come right to him, and he puts it in the bucket for the biggest hoop of the game. First there was the early season win over Orlando, and then today's reverse layup flip that steadied the Heat cause during Boston's last run. 15 and 5 for Supercool. I think I have written more about Jim Buckets than all other Heat players combined this year. He's that kind of guy. I wish him all the best, but ideally, on another team - unfortunately, he'll probably be back if only because he has absolutely zero trade value around the league. Don't take it personal, though, Mike - I'll always love you, too. You may be a mess up, but you're kind of our mess up. By the way, picking you in the draft two years ago instead of Brook Lopez or Russell Westbrook probably killed the franchise...
5) Best play of the game: In the second quarter when Emcee Chalmers pushed the ball up the court in transition, while Beasley sprinted the wing with Big Baby Davis in hot pursuit. A step or two inside the three point line, Baby suddenly got his feet tangled and, going full speed, had all 6'8", 330 pounds of him crash to the floor, and careen forward in a crazy body roll that approximated what it would look like if you pushed a (full) oil drum off of a cliff, while Emcee flipped the ball up in the air and Beas power dunked it. Anytime a fat man hits the floor going full speed and rolls that far, let's be honest - it's going to be the play of the game, even if it doesn't result in a crushing dunk.
6) So, went out a comedy show tonight at the Broward County Hard Rock - Jim Gaffigan. He's a pasty, tame white guy who tells jokes about Hot Pockets. You would recognize him if you saw him. More importantly, probably our favorite Dos reader, Rick, was amongst our group, and he had two requests: One, could he have a "Minutos" name? Yes, I guess he can - from now on we are going to call him R.Minutos. He's our favorite reader, after all. Two, R.Minutos is, ummmm, newly single, and he was explaining dating life on the "single adult circuit," to another friend, E, and myself - important, because E and I decided we should each take the summer off from our marriages and be single ourselves. Anyways, R.Minutos asked me to please, please tell the following story in the blog - he claims it helps him gets girls. We are happy to take requests here - I'm just going to paraphrase it in his words, as he told it to E and me: "So, I have this friend who is an extremely wealthy bond trader, literally worth hundreds of millions of dollars. A couple of years ago, a bunch of us, including him, had to go to New York City for a bachelor's party. He owns a plane, so he flew all of us up on the plane, and we bring the bachelor out to a really nice strip club in New York City, but not Scores...What?...No, not Scores...I don't know, what's the difference?...Just not Scores, okay?...So, our friend, he goes up to the manager, and tells him he wants to take the club over immediately, throw the best bachelor party ever, have the hottest women, and all that kind of thing [editor's note: this seems like something you should plan out in advance]. So the manager clears out this back room, and my friend gives him, literally, fifty thousand dollars, which the manager changes in to funny money, and gives each of us five thousand - that's a lot of lap dances...So all the hottest girls in the club are dancing for us, and we are showering them with funny money, until finally I notice one guy sitting off in the corner of the room, a guy not with us, and he has one dancer with him, but like a day-time shift dancer, if you know what I mean. And a little while later the waitress comes over, and says, 'that gentleman was having some of these girls dance for him, and he would appreciate it if you sent them back,' and I was drunk and hyped up, so I tell the waitress to go back over there and tell him to f-off, which she does. So this guy, upon hearing the news, gets up and walks over into the middle of our party - Jesus, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme! So, he's like, That's not cool, these girls were dancing for me, and I'm like, How much did you pay them, and he's like, Five hundred each, and I look at the girl straddling me, and I'm like, Here's $1500 to tell Miyagi here to get lost! I mean, I'm way drunk. And Van Damme is like, Look, man, I don't want any trouble, and I'm like, Well, it looks like you found some anyways, and he sneers at us, and my group kind of calls him a couple of Chinese slurs - just 'cause the whole karate thing, you know - and he f-bombs us back, and so I get up off the couch and kind of step to him - by the way, he's about 5'4" - and he suddenly swings a back kick at me which, due to my recent boxing training, I'm able to "wax off" and block. At this point, the bouncers all rush in and grab Van Damme, and with a slight struggle, hustle him out of there. I go to sit down, still amp'd up, and sit right on something hard - I reach down and it is Van Damme's shoe - it flew off when I blocked his kick! So, now, I have Van Damme's shoe sitting on my mantle at home as a souvenir. When girls see that, and hear the story? I'm telling you, man, you don't even want to know what can go down at that point..."
Dos comments: I am pretty sure Miyagi was Japanese, not Chinese...
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Well, unexpectedly, we'll see you Tuesday night - one more time. We'll see if R.Minutos has any more romantic stories that he'd like me to tell - ladies, I can probably get you a date if you email me at the blog here, but please, please, I can't emphasize this enough, only do so if you're hot!
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1) Whoops, have to push back those vacations plans a couple more nights. Does it really mean anything to win a game down 0-3? Not really, no. The Heat are still going to lose the series. But tell it to Dwyane Wade...
2)...because he was ridiculous. If this ends up being his last game ever in Miami, at least playing for the Heat, he went out with one of his best: 46 points on 16-24 from the floor, including 5-7 threes. Hit 3 threes in the first three minutes of the fourth quarter to turn a six point deficit into a Heat lead - it was jussssst about time to pack up the gym bags for the season, and he went bananas. In Casa Minutos, the gym bags had already been packed, and loaded on to the team bus, and I was taking a snooze in the back, back seat (you know, where the cool kids sit) - but when Wade made his fourth three of the quarter, and went past 40 points, even I got sucked back in - it would have been a shame to lose a game in which DWade played so well, and tried so hard, even when it didn't really, really matter. "I think they ought to try to re-sign this guy," ABC broadcaster Jeff Van Gundy chuckled during the Wade outburst, "I almost stormed the court myself after that last three."
3) It was almost certainly the last Heat game in Miami for The President, Quentin Richardson. Eventful first quarter for Q: 3 triples, 13 points, and one argument with his nemesis Paul Pierce. Pres finished with 20 for the game. Few guys on the short stint have been as popular in Miami as The Pres. Eric Murdoch had the famous "throat slit" during his one playoff run against the Knicks - that was good; Lamar Odom was solid in his year, but not lovable; the first Skip Alston run was fun - but Quentin probably surpassed them all. He came from nowhere to be a productive shooter and defender for this team, as well as a hype man for fellow Chicagoan Wade. At this time last year, it was more likely that Quentin Richardson would be out of the league right now than a starter on a 5th seed in the playoffs. When the Heat acquired him this offseason, no one believed in him - except me. We've had a good run together, you and I, QRich. I'll always love you.
4) The Heat are now 2-0 this season in games in which Mike Beasley is wandering around the basket area late in the fourth quarter and an airball happens to come right to him, and he puts it in the bucket for the biggest hoop of the game. First there was the early season win over Orlando, and then today's reverse layup flip that steadied the Heat cause during Boston's last run. 15 and 5 for Supercool. I think I have written more about Jim Buckets than all other Heat players combined this year. He's that kind of guy. I wish him all the best, but ideally, on another team - unfortunately, he'll probably be back if only because he has absolutely zero trade value around the league. Don't take it personal, though, Mike - I'll always love you, too. You may be a mess up, but you're kind of our mess up. By the way, picking you in the draft two years ago instead of Brook Lopez or Russell Westbrook probably killed the franchise...
5) Best play of the game: In the second quarter when Emcee Chalmers pushed the ball up the court in transition, while Beasley sprinted the wing with Big Baby Davis in hot pursuit. A step or two inside the three point line, Baby suddenly got his feet tangled and, going full speed, had all 6'8", 330 pounds of him crash to the floor, and careen forward in a crazy body roll that approximated what it would look like if you pushed a (full) oil drum off of a cliff, while Emcee flipped the ball up in the air and Beas power dunked it. Anytime a fat man hits the floor going full speed and rolls that far, let's be honest - it's going to be the play of the game, even if it doesn't result in a crushing dunk.
6) So, went out a comedy show tonight at the Broward County Hard Rock - Jim Gaffigan. He's a pasty, tame white guy who tells jokes about Hot Pockets. You would recognize him if you saw him. More importantly, probably our favorite Dos reader, Rick, was amongst our group, and he had two requests: One, could he have a "Minutos" name? Yes, I guess he can - from now on we are going to call him R.Minutos. He's our favorite reader, after all. Two, R.Minutos is, ummmm, newly single, and he was explaining dating life on the "single adult circuit," to another friend, E, and myself - important, because E and I decided we should each take the summer off from our marriages and be single ourselves. Anyways, R.Minutos asked me to please, please tell the following story in the blog - he claims it helps him gets girls. We are happy to take requests here - I'm just going to paraphrase it in his words, as he told it to E and me: "So, I have this friend who is an extremely wealthy bond trader, literally worth hundreds of millions of dollars. A couple of years ago, a bunch of us, including him, had to go to New York City for a bachelor's party. He owns a plane, so he flew all of us up on the plane, and we bring the bachelor out to a really nice strip club in New York City, but not Scores...What?...No, not Scores...I don't know, what's the difference?...Just not Scores, okay?...So, our friend, he goes up to the manager, and tells him he wants to take the club over immediately, throw the best bachelor party ever, have the hottest women, and all that kind of thing [editor's note: this seems like something you should plan out in advance]. So the manager clears out this back room, and my friend gives him, literally, fifty thousand dollars, which the manager changes in to funny money, and gives each of us five thousand - that's a lot of lap dances...So all the hottest girls in the club are dancing for us, and we are showering them with funny money, until finally I notice one guy sitting off in the corner of the room, a guy not with us, and he has one dancer with him, but like a day-time shift dancer, if you know what I mean. And a little while later the waitress comes over, and says, 'that gentleman was having some of these girls dance for him, and he would appreciate it if you sent them back,' and I was drunk and hyped up, so I tell the waitress to go back over there and tell him to f-off, which she does. So this guy, upon hearing the news, gets up and walks over into the middle of our party - Jesus, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme! So, he's like, That's not cool, these girls were dancing for me, and I'm like, How much did you pay them, and he's like, Five hundred each, and I look at the girl straddling me, and I'm like, Here's $1500 to tell Miyagi here to get lost! I mean, I'm way drunk. And Van Damme is like, Look, man, I don't want any trouble, and I'm like, Well, it looks like you found some anyways, and he sneers at us, and my group kind of calls him a couple of Chinese slurs - just 'cause the whole karate thing, you know - and he f-bombs us back, and so I get up off the couch and kind of step to him - by the way, he's about 5'4" - and he suddenly swings a back kick at me which, due to my recent boxing training, I'm able to "wax off" and block. At this point, the bouncers all rush in and grab Van Damme, and with a slight struggle, hustle him out of there. I go to sit down, still amp'd up, and sit right on something hard - I reach down and it is Van Damme's shoe - it flew off when I blocked his kick! So, now, I have Van Damme's shoe sitting on my mantle at home as a souvenir. When girls see that, and hear the story? I'm telling you, man, you don't even want to know what can go down at that point..."
Dos comments: I am pretty sure Miyagi was Japanese, not Chinese...
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Well, unexpectedly, we'll see you Tuesday night - one more time. We'll see if R.Minutos has any more romantic stories that he'd like me to tell - ladies, I can probably get you a date if you email me at the blog here, but please, please, I can't emphasize this enough, only do so if you're hot!
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